I've done a LOT of sales training since my last post, and (unfortunately) a lot of traveling. As always, it has been a fantastic experience. Remember how I said last time: A student only benefits from training programs when they include the heart in the learning process. A trainer can "pound" on the door of the heart, but to actually open it is left to each candidate individually. (Selling is ultimately the same way.)

These past weeks I've again contemplated the power of this principle, and I just want to point out; there are only two types of candidates attending training out there:

1. They who take it to heart and experience the first amplifier (heart explosion)
2. They who will not include emotions and feelings and never gain the slightest bit of learning (only superfluously)

Note! A student can only experience "heart explosion" if the trainer possesses the quality of bringing the message to the heart in the first place. My claim is - very few trainers do!

Last time I promised to share the next two amplifiers following the first. I'll keep it short - that's somehow the beauty of this:

Influence is energy. If we want to reach another person with our message, we need power, and that power is nothing but energy! What is the very core of how a message becomes powerful? Did you ever think about that? Here's what we've found is the answer to this important question: "It's when we run it through the three amplifiers most easily available in one-on-one communication":

• The first amplifier is the heart (Energy # 1: PASSION). I.e. when the message passes through the heart it explodes and immediately (yes, automatically) flows out to hands and feet. We see immediate action. Ask yourself whether or not you've caused the first amplifier in someone else. Here's an easy test to evaluate how it went: Did they act immediately on what you presented them with? Did they become unstoppable? If not, then your message never made it to the first amplification

The 3E symbol for PASSION is the heart.

• The second amplifier is from heart to heart (Energy # 2: CONNECTION). This amplifier is the need we have to share from the heart how the heart explosion felt and what mental images caused it to take place. This sounds almost religious, and I admit it almost is. However, just think of it this way: The best way to test whether or not something really has been learned is if we're able to teach others the same. When this is done, not only is the learning curve extended, but the subject and material becomes ours. Ours to keep forever.

The 3E symbol for CONNECTION is a battery.

• The third amplifier is when we include intuition (Energy # 3: INTUITION). When we begin to apply adopted material in our own way, i.e. we incorporate principles and adapt skills to our own style and individual talent. In doing so, we stay open to inside and outside impressions and promptings.

The 3E symbol for INTUITION is a bolt of lightning.

Once we deeply study these three amplifiers - each one a direct result from each of the respective "3 Energies" - we'll discover how our message both penetrates AND causes permanent change in others. THIS is what selling (and training) is all about.

Next time you attend (sales) training, try to keep in mind the following: Training very seldom has changing and lasting effect!

Coming from a trainer, this may sound disillusional. However, an effective trainer isn't truly familiar with how instruction works until he or she has seriously been engaged in evaluation of results. Every public speaker or instructor should be brought to witness his or her actual degree of influence. If this was done properly I believe the majority of us would be shocked and greatly disappointed. Research also indicates that most training not even remotely makes a significant difference in behavior over time. More importantly, a thorough understanding of better influence would lead to a) less monologue and entertainment and b) increase the level of interaction and dialog to reach involvement and effort.

Having been involved in training since 1992, I've at least learned two MAJOR lessons, summed up in one: 1) Learning takes place from the inside, and 2) energy is the primary source of change. A good mental picture to illustrate what happens when change takes place is this:

The above illustration serves to underscore how the heart is "the first amplifier of energy". We're looking at energy explosion! (In my next post I'll share more about the other two amplifiers following immediately after.)

Any principle can be understood intellectually, but still have little bearing on real life application. If a person is to be effectively educated reflection needs to pass through the heart of the individual. In the very moment the heart is included, it will automatically and instantly flow or "shoot" to the hands and feet. It is this spontaneous reaction that represents the first crucial step in changing behavior. For it to become a habit, consistent effort is also needed.

Acquiring skills in influencing others is enormously rewarding, but it does require the heart. The heart, though painful it may be, is not included unless someone or something triggers emotions and feelings. For this reason, the real question is how to generate, pass on and harness energy.

In this sense, training and selling are completely one and the same. This is why any teacher, speaker and instructor would benefit greatly from basic sales training. Yes, teaching is selling - both are aiming to influence. Influence is all about energy.

To see a webcast on this subject click here.

All of us are into manipulation to some degree, especially when we run out of options to persuade others.

You may be thinking: "I'm not!" Yes, unfortunately you are, too. Every day! We even do it without knowing. Here's what happens and why.

Every day we encounter something we really want. It could be food, recognition, love, you name it – any unmet need out there, small or great. When we're in a situation where we feel we REALLY need something our brain begins to look for ways to reach our objectives. Or to phrase it simpler; when we want something we automatically look for ways to get it.

This drive to satisfy constant needs is so powerful, it takes place mostly in our subconscious mind. Thus, without knowing it, what we do from minute to minute is inspired by wanting something. (You may say: "I just want others to be happy". That too is wanting something.) Ironically, almost every little need involves people around us, in some way or another. Most of our needs are in fact met through interaction with others, i.e. a great deal of persuasive effort on our part takes place without us even being aware of it. We're actually engaged in selling or negotiating activity the majority of our waking hours, but we don't think of it that way, because we're not aware.

The tricky thing is, the more we want something the more emotional we tend to get. Emotions and feelings are by nature counterproductive to logical thinking. Feelings alone can cloud our reasoning and limits our ability to rationally interact with others. Feelings without logic represents an imbalance. Therefore, it is the ability to sense and truly understand the needs of others that tips the lever back in balance. When we see the world from the outside, we enable ourselves to return to logic, or rather to include logic. To be in balance we need both feelings and logic – emotions and awareness – a constant view of the inside and the outside. This is how our brain actually works. It has these two sides, but mastering both certainly isn't easy. Truly effective (PERSUASIVE) people apply brainpower to balance feelings and emotions (ENERGY) with logic and awareness (SENSITIVITY).

So why do we turn to manipulation?

Manipulation easily occurs when there's an imbalance between what we feel and what we perceive. For example, when we want something and only perceive a limited number of ways to get it, we sometimes allow our "overwhelming" feelings to overrule logical thinking. Even though we know it's wrong (our inner compass tells us so) we are convinced by the imbalance of emotions and awareness to justify cheating. Cheating could for instance be plain lying, withholding facts, raising our voice, tricking someone or putting on some kind of act etc. The ways in which we can cheat is an endless list.

How can we become a Principal of Clean Influence (PCI)?

The question is a big one, and the answer consequently important. I believe mastering "clean persuasion" – i.e. not manipulative – is a lifelong process. In fact, I believe it is life itself. Just think of it: What is the main concern of a dying man? In essence he returns to the naked baby he was when he entered life. His concern is what he leaves behind and what he brings along; both the right brain – love and emotions and the left brain – knowledge and awareness. What is the only thing that matters, the only thing that lasts, the only thing that makes a difference? It is that which guides and develops our persuasive abilities – how we channel energy in our loving and learning.

I'm a big fan of Robert Cialdini. The work and research he has provided over the years on the subject of influence is simply powerful. If you haven't read his book(s) and articles, I encourage you to do so.

In particular I appreciate his healthy approach and how he points out the vast number of manipulative techniques that are more or less consciously applied "out there". It was Dale Carnegie, who in his book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" said: "A person persuaded against his will is of the same opinion still." If you combine this basic principle with the body of knowledge we have today on manipulation, it's obvious that complex and large account sales especially needs to be CLEAN. Manipulation always backfires!

What's interesting is this; most account and sales managers today know that manipulation only hurts us in the long run. However, if our deepest belief patterns and habits render us inclined to exercise control or dominion over others, it will - in business also - surface in what we do and how we say things.

The scary thing is, to a certain extent, we're all at times tempted to use force or some kind of coercion to obtain our goals and objectives. You're saying: Really??! How? Let me give you just a few examples, and then maybe you're able to spot misbehavior in these or similar examples you yourself are able to produce - from your most personal life and circumstances:

• What's my behavior like when driving a car and being late for an important meeting?
• When my children won't listen, how do I respond to their rebellious behavior?
• How do I behave and how do I phrase my sentences when in a middle of an argument with my spouse?
• How do I treat my subordinates or those I lead? How do I phrase my "orders"?
• What feedback would my colleagues give me if they read this blog post?
• How do I react when someone expresses frustration about someone I too have a strong dislike towards?
• How do I handle someone that pushes me for honesty about something I'd rather keep to myself?

Once we begin to see our own misbehavior and how we're suffering from manipulation in almost every respect of our lives, it naturally becomes of interest to find out what manipulation really is. Also, how can I become a master of clean influence? That, I will share more about in my next post ;-)

We ought to have a serious problem with anyone that promotes a product or service they wouldn't buy and use themselves.

Nothing new about that, but that's not all. We should also be concerned about anyone that doesn't first sell to their best friends and family, and equally important, whether or not they have indeed succeeded in selling to someone close and personal. Why? Because it proves whether or not the individual really believes in the value of their offering. When someone with an in-depth knowledge of a product or service is willing to risk valuable friendships and relationships this becomes a solid indication of product value.

Here's an example to illustrate what I mean:

A number of years ago, when I was working for X, I asked myself if I would sell X to my parents, brothers and sisters or friends. The answer came out very clearly: Definitely not! By nature, this reply would have made me quit right away. I don't think anyone should promote anything they do not wholeheartedly support and passionately believe in. Then why did I remain with the company? The reason was obvious. If my parents, my siblings or friends would have been professional buyers with specific high-performance information needs, I would have encouraged them to buy X products and services - at the time.

However, when I had been in X for approximately two years I made a significant discovery that made me change my mind after all. Like I said previously, the belief in a product or service is not only tied to whether it's "good", but also if the price reflects the value of it. Of course, value is relative, and price should actually fluctuate according to the dollar's worth of what the solution provides... but let me briefly share what happened: I was selling an X licensed database to my brother-in-law. At the point when we were about to sign the contract I found myself giving him a smarter and cheaper license than what I normally would do. Why would I do such a thing, I thought? The answer gave me a shock I'll never forget: Because I didn't believe the solution was worth that much money. Being in conflict with my own integrity I realized I had to either negotiate better prices for my accounts and/or improve the quality and value of each solution.

I could go on and tell you how I soon after switched both company and role, but the main principle should be clear: "Only sell quality and value you yourself would buy. Never ask for a signature on a contract you yourself wouldn't sign".

When instructing top sales people on how to sell more, I always begin by introducing them to the Operational dialog. This type of interaction involves everything from product development and change management to internal training and internal and external marketing. Sales people sometimes ask why this is important to "selling extremely well - it's not directly sales related". My reply is that it is! Bottom line: We need to bring ourselves in the situation where we offer our clients something we are passionate about. If we don't, it's time to improve what we have or quit doing it. And, yes, sometimes it's a process. That process is the Operational dialog.

Before wrapping up, I'd like to just add one little piece of information. A few years later I came to learn about the values behind Open Source, open architecture and open standards. This too dramatically filtered out the type of companies I'm willing to help and support. Today I'm part of a team that really appreciates the Operational dialog. It's a true adventure and a wonderful experience to be working with passion, not just on my own, but with others. That's energy for ya'.

The hardest, most demanding "customer" to please and to satisfy has got to be those with whom we have the closest relationship, don't you think? Family; a brother, a sister, a spouse, a child or even a best friend. Only at this level can we really tell what kind of quality (sales) people we are. It's how we treat the individuals inside "our most private circles" that reveals who we truly are - and it can hurt at times!

Why is this? How come? There probably are a number of reasons why very close relationships are a hard sell.

One reason could be how our most private life reveals "vulnerability and weakness". Everyone has a bit of pride - deep inside - that somehow seeks to protect our total defeat or feeling of complete surrender. When our most tender faculties are exposed we feel a powerful urge to defend ourselves. When someone comes close enough we feel attacked and are often inclined to fight back with irrational behavior based on feelings and emotions. Ironically, this in turn only confirms our weakness and increases frustration.

Another reason why selling to family or friends can be hard is how sooner or later everyone - even the most perceived professional - is inconsistent in behavior patterns. When what we say is not in line with what we do, we automatically lose respect in the eyes of those around us. Close relationships experience this on a regular basis. This lack of respect causes words to lose power and influence, because words are only a function of feelings.

Still, more important than "why" is "what". It's true, it can be harder to please or sell to family or friends, depending on our true long term character. What's more important is what can we do to make the switch? How can we make a "sale" to the people with whom we have our most meaningful relationships?

Well, the secret is of course this: The toughest sale is potentially the BEST sale!

If we could, we should seek to make every contact and call a personal and meaningful relationship. Some people will respond to this by saying: "I make a clear distinction between professional and personal or private life". WRONG!

WHAT??! What does this mean?

Let me suggest what it could mean, and then you tell me what you think such a statement might imply: When all is said and done, basically what this boils down to is... "I cannot afford to open up to business contacts like I do with family and friends, because if I do they'll find I'm not only full of mistakes and lose respect for me, but they'll also discover how insincere I am by how I'm unwilling to work on my character, mistakes and weaknesses to make the needed changes".

Let me share one of my own deep flaws to illustrate:

I used to blame my parents for regularly being late when promising to pick me up as a young boy. The other day my wife called me and asked me whether I could pick up one of our oldest children after art class. I said I would, and then she added a warning: "Vidar, I was asked whether someone else than dad could do it, because he's always late". Ah! That stung so bad and so deep in my chest. So unfair, I thought. I've made EVERY possible effort to ALWAYS be on time. It stayed with me the rest of the day. That bitter feeling would not go. Then, an hour before I was to fulfill my important dead-on-time-appointment, I suddenly made a great discovery... I knew I had been a few minutes late the last two pick-ups. Even though with good reason, of course my behavior had been generalized and not forgotten. All the other times, when I had been on time, these times were all taken for granted. Of course that was unfair, but here's what I discovered: I had done the same thing with my own parents. Suddenly I was able to remember all the "forgotten times" when mum and dad had picked me up ON TIME. My heart sank and instantly changed from being judgmental to thankful for the wonderful patient parents I have - who were on time. Bitterness was gone.

How do you think I approached my child that evening? 'nough said - it was a great experience and a perfect "sell". However, more important than everything else - as a father (read: e.g. vendor) - I am more committed than EVER to deliver according to contract with regards to all my children.

I was speaking with my daughter the other day about how our thoughts automatically appear in our face. When we think good thoughts a pleasant and happy appearance naturally surfaces. If we think bad thoughts, they too are mirrored in our countenance. You may think it's "childish doctrine", but it's simple and a plain fact.

This basic principle holds true and carries weight and value in so many settings - one of which is communication. When we are sincere, it shows in our face. When we have passion, it reveals itself. When we get emotional, is shines through. What a great human trait this is. We can read each other in many ways, but most of all in our facial expressions, and above all by looking each other in the eye. It's as if the eyes are the soul at public display. Ouff! Great and dreadful, all at once. Scary in one way, because it exposes us as to who we really are. Exciting in that we can "read" and learn the true character of others.

I love the exercise of just observing other people during conversations - not too intensely, because that easily creates awkward feelings - but being very aware of the way we reveal ourselves through that most unique window - our eyes - to the outside world.

Consistent behavior over time will reveal our thoughts, our words, our action, our habits - our lifestyle. Everything is recorded and shows over time. Today, when you're interacting with others, try to perceive what maybe slipped your observations in the past. Look people in the eye. You'll see who they really are, because the eyes have it, and the eyes are what makes all the difference.

Do we have trouble looking people straight in the eye?

I know sales people who, when they learn about the Emotional Commitment (EC), want this without paying the price to get it. The price to pay is a price to pay and it is first and foremost this: We need to be sincere.

What does being sincere mean?

Judging from the diagram and illustration on the process of reaching a solid commitment, sincerity is a three-step process to becoming truly sensitive:

1. First we need to know what we want
2. Then we need to understand what others want
3. Finally we need to stay objectively tuned in to outside impressions

Intuitively and quite naturally, most people instantly react to the above mentioned order by saying: "That can't be right! We first need to understand others, then we can seek to be understood." My response is: You're totally right. However, this is not about understanding first - it's about first knowing what we want. It's being aware of who we are, about having a mission and purpose - an identity. Without an identity we don't even have the internal security and perspective that it takes to begin the process of understanding others.

Someone trying to promote a product without first having true insight into oneself (e.g. the product or company), can never progress to step two of understanding others. This is true in both a micro or macro perspective. HERE is the main flaw and where most sales people fail. We get it wrong from the very beginning by promoting something we're not convinced about ourselves. It's almost like being without mission and purpose. Only when done in the right order can we become truly caring for others and sincere in our interaction. This sincerity is what ultimately makes it possible to interact with others in such a way that we can reach an Emotional Commitment (EC). If we're not sincere, hypocrisy will inevitably surface. The subconscious picks it up instantly and we fail.

And by the way - all of this relates to not only selling, but every aspect of life; a happy marriage, teaching children, management, politics etc. I'll say it again: First we need passion, then we seek connection. These two precede the ability to innovate by the power of intuition touching the inside and most personal level of others. That which stimulates deep ownership to a commitment - emotional commitment!

Check out my previous post where I've included an illustration of what an emotional commitment is about and how it is reached. Today I want to point out what I believe should be the ultimate objective in EVERY sales call.

Our main goal is not to trigger an interest only, neither to only tie the customer's needs to the product or service - our goal is not even to connect with subjective needs. We can do more and we should do more than that. We need to reach the point of emotion that exceeds the mere fulfillment of a personal need, but also a personal emotional desire. We need to reach the feelings of others - to touch values - the emotional level. This is what triggers energy. Let me illustrate with an experience - this time not directly sales related, but which explains what I mean:

Some time ago management was discussing opening a new office in another continent - other side of the globe - far away. I challenged one of my colleagues to be responsible for opening this office and region. It involved a major change and a lot of work - no easy commitment. As we discussed some of the details of how we should proceed passion became the essence of the discussion. Once I felt we were on the same wavelength I took the conversation to the next level by seeking to establish a connection between personal objectives and the job at hand. Not really hard to do (you know the drill). When everything was pretty much in place, I began digging for emotions: "How do you feel about leaving your colleagues and be on your own like this..?" (A potential concern I sensed was there.) The dialog dramatically changed. The questions themselves were not magical, but the previous build up of the conversation made them powerful. We now began sharing personal stuff - heart aches, feelings, frustrations and over time new ideas. A few tears were shed on both sides and our commitment to actually do this and succeed tripled, and then some.

This is emotional commitment. In short: Every effort made in sales should aim to move closer to an emotional commitment. Mostly it takes time, but it's the most powerful kind of dialog. It doesn't need to involve crying, but everyone knows when feelings and the emotional level is reached. THIS is when we release maximum energy in both parties - you and me.

The ability to shed a tear in behalf of someone else is growing rare these days, but probably among the key characteristics of true greatness. The degree to which we maintain or increase our sensitivity is a deciding factor to real influence.

Every so often all of us encounter people who appear arrogant and somehow insensitive. Without exception we also find they have limited positive energy. Positive energy can only grow if we grow in our ability to feel for others. Please consider the illustration below. Influence comes with energy, but energy is irrevocably linked to the degree of sensitivity. If we're unable to sense the feelings of others, we'll never reach higher than the first level of energy. Unfortunately we find a lot of professionals able to excite others, but it very seldom goes beyond that point. Why? Because they are consumed with self.

If we want to reach other people we need to exert strength and attention beyond our own world of concern. In other words, we need to put ourselves in the shoes of others. The popular term for it is empathy, but empathy is limited by the word itself. In the diagram we can see how empathy ("others") is but half way. If we want to reach energation and really strong commitment in others we need to move beyond empathy and become one with the shared reality around us - "external perception". This is when we tune in to outside impressions that allows us to become emotionally involved and mutually affected.

What do we do if the other person has feelings and has gone through hardships beyond what we ourselves have experienced? Is it possible to understand and empathize, when this is the case? The answer is "YES". If we do what is required to reach higher energy levels, we'll also be able to understand pain we didn't suffer ourselves. It's true! and it makes life richer to live. However, most of us are unwilling to do so because it causes us to share the distress of others. It hurts.

So what does this have to do with selling? Everything! Most sales people make their sales on the first level (see diagram). They'll get commitments and sign contracts based on passionate behavior, but the sale doesn't mean anything to them more than getting their paycheck and bonus. Just take one minute - think through all the contracts you signed with clients. Which ones do you remember? Which of them leaves you with positive feelings? If there are any, it will be those where you engaged yourself on the personal side and received reciprocally - the same feelings were exchanged. You built a relationship. You reached stronger commitments and harnessed greater value.

When we consider the balance between energy and sensitivity a lot of questions are answered and the sale becomes easier and more enjoyable. We practice SBP = SPP ;-)

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