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Why ask questions? Why should we? We constantly hear about the value of asking questions, but why is it so important? A little insight into why may very well instantly influence your style to becoming a more questioning individual.
A master teacher understands the power of questions. Any successful speaker asks questions. An effective leader asks questions. Negotiations are all about questions. Mothers and fathers reach out to their children when asking candid questions. Conflict requires questioning. If all these statements are true, then how come? Why are questions so important?
The more training I do, do you know what I find? I discover how poorly we make use of that one critical skill that makes communication really flow. And what is that skill? It's asking questions. What would happen if we asked more questions? Here's what I see - every day; every question asked immediately improves all aspects of communication.
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What happens when we make the switch to increasing the number of questions? Here are some examples:
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Why is it so important to ask questions? What is it about asking questions that so dramatically improves communication? When should we ask questions? How should we ask questions?
Questions Trigger Thoughts
What do skilled speakers do? The best speakers ask questions all the time. Even when communicating in monologue, questions lubricate the message. Ask them, then answer them yourself. Why? Because the question that is being raised and spelled out clearly sharpens the attention of a listener. What can we learn from this? Our first conclusion is: Always ask questions, regardless of what you do!
Here's a list principles that encourages asking a lot of questions:
- The question decides the topic. If you want to set the agenda, be the first to ask a question.
- Questions give you more information and information equals power.
- Questions give you time to think.
- Questioning leverages "an open style", and people appreciate your asking for input and feedback.
- Questions encourages the other person to talk. People love to talk (...about themselves).
- Questions combine thoughts and brains, leveraging synergy (1+1 = 3 or much more).
- Questions trigger the unconscious creative brain power in both the speaker and the listener.
- Questions rule out misunderstandings. (Research indicates that summarizing and checking for understanding up to 11 times adds value to mutual understanding.)
- Questions and silence relieves you of responsibility (i.e. speaking reveals your opinion and immediately holds you accountable).
- And quite possibly most of all, asking a question is still the best way to trigger a conversation.
Indeed, and in fact, it is the question that holds the real information. How? By how something only can really be understood when the question is clearly formulated. Anyone can come up with "answers" and suggestions, but it takes a master to ask the question that reveals true understanding and insight. What do inventors do? Inventors ask questions. That's how they invent. What does science do? Science asks questions. That's how new theories appear.
Albert Einstein, among others, brought this principle to our attention when he said: "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it". Slightly paraphrased in simpler language; "a problem can never be solved at the level we were at when we created it."
Is it any wonder then that Jesus and Socrates were such fans of asking questions? Why not ask more questions?
Networking is a lifestyle, nothing more, nothing less. Your life and style reveals your motivations (the WHY's and WHAT's) as well as WHO you are. To get insight about yourself, consider HOW you behave when you're around other people.
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One of three main differences between successful and unsuccessful people is the way in which they build relationships. If I were to describe the difference with as few words as possible; "Successful people always build relationships, unsuccessful people only build relationships when they see the need to."
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Relationships Are Like Flowers
The difference in attitude is scary. The difference in results even more so. To this day I am surprised at how some people just never make this basic discovery; the staggering and fatal consequences of stepping another person on his or her toes. A friend of mine said it so well: "A relationship is like a tender plant. We try to build relationships, but every so often we walk around in the bed of flowers hoping that the flowers will still somehow blossom." A relationship needs constant attention, and one mistake only will forever hurt and remain unless there is honest and sincere forgiveness.
My conclusion? Don't just network when you need work or more business. Make networking a lifestyle, and you'll soon find that even your attitude will improve as a result of your working to improve your behavior.
Most of us actually believe we can change another person. I admit, the perception of actually influencing others may feel like we indeed cause them to change. Let's take a look at how influence and change are highly correlated, yet two distinct different aspects altogether.
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A person with the mistaken paradigm dominated by beliefs that communicate "I can change another individual" will manifest this belief system in many different ways - automatically. Why?
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- growing irritation (seemingly caused by the behavior of another person)
- uncontrolled anger (leading to a desire to enforce behavior change)
- undue pride in the success of others (by perceiving it as part of our own doing)
- undeserved impatience with the failures or shortcomings of others (by projecting missing or undesired results on to ourselves)
- ...and many other unfortunate side effects.
And so the list continues. In fact, most of our self defeating behaviors regarding relationships stem from this faulty belief. In short, believing that we can change or control someone makes its appearance in power struggles, rhetorics, manipulation and ultimately a lack of respect. How?
Whenever we seek to control, manipulate or push another person, we are violating the basic principle of respect. And --true respect-- only stems from a profound understanding that everyone is responsible for him or herself. Thus, respect is the only path to long term success with people.
Misbehavior Manifests Incorrect Beliefs
Every behavior pattern that does not stimulate long term success with other people discloses deep and underlying beliefs that are distorted, sometimes even perverted. In fact, the important issue at hand is this:
| "We all radiate behavior patterns from time to time that reveal incorrect beliefs related to the mistaken thinking that we can change others". | ||||||||
If you don't believe this also concerns you, you're simply unaware of it and only have a greater need to reach a higher state of conscious living. This has everything to do with our degree of influence on the people around us.
Thus, the important question is how do we adjust or replace our deepest flawed beliefs with beliefs that better reflect reality? To do this it helps to understand the difference between internal change and external influence. In closing I will therefore highlight the core of these two.
INTERNAL – Changing me
We change ourselves to influence others.
When we see things as they really are, i.e. realizing the fact that we can only change ourselves, then our behavior will automatically change to become more influential. Why? Because on the deepest level, the programs we have developed affects everything we do. When we reach a deep understanding and belief that I am free to be me, and you are free to be you, we change the program by how we see the world. Thus, our behavior will automatically improve by how it begins to run in sync with the newly acquired belief.
EXTERNAL – Influencing others
We influence others to change themselves.
Understanding others is the essence of influence. When, and this is just as important as changing ourselves, we seek to influence others the most lasting and powerful influence we can cause to take place is by helping others understand in such a way that behavior automatically changes as a result of this insight. We can only help others receive this insight when we possess it ourselves.
And with this we reach a basic conclusion. What's basic? 1) I can change me to more effectively influence others, and 2) I can influence others to more effectively change themselves.
Did you ever think about the powerful symbol one single book can become? Or did you ever think about why, when afterall, you've read the book, you still cling to it, making sure to keep it in a safe place? Why are you keeping it? Is it because you're planning on reading it again?
On my shelf I have quite a few books. Or rather, I should say, on my shelves there are many books. Have you ever asked yourself why we keep a book after we've read it? I mean, are you going to read it again?
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I've given this some thought, lately. Why do I keep all those books? I believe part of the reason why I hang on to them is because I want to "forever" keepsake the experience each book represents (...and in some strange way, the same goes for any collectible item, doesn't it?). We want to remember. Not only remember what was written, but even more so each book represents a thought or train of thought, a number of ideas and discoveries, renewed and enriched perception, even the desire for improved quality and the sensation of a better life. At least, that's what those books are to me. And that's probably why I keep them..!? | ||||
Increasing the Value of a Book
I admit, most of those books I'll never read all the way through a second time. This morning I thought about that. Why? Because some of my books are definitely worth reading a second time. Kids do it all the time, you know..? Reading the same book over and over again to a little child has been proven to be extremely effective for language development, stimulating a mental capacity and faculty of fantacy, developing memory, as well as a long list of other vital benefits. Don't you think the same benefits apply to grown-ups? Yet, I seldom bring myself to read the same book a second time. It probably is because I constantly have about 3-4 new books waiting to be read.
Another important reason for my keeping books in a valued spot of my home office is always having at my fingertips what I would call "an enlarged mind" - the extension of what I'm able to consciously retain. You see, I've marked these books and have taken extensive notes throughout their pages. Each book is almost like part of my journal. When I browse through them today, I can quickly find what I'm looking for. But more importantly, I can see and retain what I learned, thought, discovered and mentally saw when I read it the first time.
Passing on Knowledge
Besides all this, there's more to it. For instance, I'd like my kids to read some of these books. (Don't know if they actually will, but when the time is right, I make recommendations about possible reading material. For instance, right now our two oldest are both reading "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", written by Stephen R. Covey.) Of course, my hope is that they will benefit from these book, just like I have. In fact, my kids are already returning the favour. In a few weeks time I will be reading Harry Potter, because my kids have urged me to.
On a practical level, I like to refer to them when I write an article or a book myself. I just finished "The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success" and am already working on another one. The inspired words of inspired people inspires me to produce and share my own inspired text.
So, in conclusion, I've come to realize that there are many reasons why I keep my books. They're actually not only taking up much needed space. On the contrary, their giving me space to live my life the way I need and want to. That's why I believe the symbol and power of a book lies in how it's an addage to our identity. Each book in my shelf is part of who I am.
Are you able to quickly calculate the number of relationships there are in a group of people that all know each other? It's easy. But WHY would such a number, or the question itself, be of interest to you at all..?
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Relationships are one-on-one. The equation of human relationships is (n² - n)/2. So if you're in a group of 9 people that all know each other, there are (9² - 9)/2 = 36 relationships. Imagine the explosive nature of this equation as the number of people in the group grows. This principle is part of the secret behind the power of a human network. The more people you know, the easier you gain access to whoever or whatever it is you need.
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However, let's consider an even more important aspect of this. The flip side. What if you were that person with unlimited resources? Two questions: 1) Would you not like to be such an individual? ...and 2) do you think people would come to you for help?
It is my experience that if we make building a network our lifestyle, people will increasingly come to us for help and (and this is the secret) present us with opportunities on the way. People presenting you with problems that need solutions are usually bringing you hidden opportunities.
HOW do you build a network? By constantly engaging yourself in three key habits:
- Be the best at what you do (PASSION)
- Seek out and build new friends (CONNECTION)
- Give more than you receive (INTUITION)
...but you have to make it a lifestyle. It's only by practicing Passion, Connection and Intuition daily that you become genuine.
Influence is a desirable talent. It's that one thing that would pretty much solve every one of your current problems. It's your lack of influence that's the main reason for your biggest challenges - right now. You better believe it!
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You wonder why I'm so focused on influence as the single most important topic? Well, let's think about influence for a moment?
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For a moment, just lift your vision and view your own life in a bird's eye perspective. Consider every aspect of what you are trying to accomplish, as well as what you have tried to accomplish in the past and also what you will seek to accomplish in the future. Literally speaking, every problem, every project, every single endeavor small or great – the long and meaningful list of things you do and fill your life with... Does it not all begin and end with a relationship to at least one other person? It does, doesn't it? The relationship we have with the people around us is the very making or breaking of success – in every respect. You will have to agree!
Now consider every single important person in your life – see all of them in front of you – and ask yourself: Am I successfully reaching out in such a way that we are working towards mutual goals and objectives, giving me power to influence them? To the degree that you are influential, you'll be successful. To the degree that you are not, you will fail. It really is that black and white.
You may be thinking: “I may not be supremely influential, but I do have some influence on for instance my own daughter.” Well, then you'll succeed at least in part, but in no way will you be able to help her beyond the degree of your influence on her. Or you may say, I'm not yet interacting with and influencing the right or relevant people, but that's just another way of saying the same thing. Think about it. Be honest with yourself.
Success can have a wide array of definitions, but unless it somehow involves people or at least "someone else" it is has no real meaning, does it? What matters - long term - is the modeling influence you have on another person's life and actions. To learn more about influence, learn more about Passion, Connection and Intuition. which makes up the main ingredients or energies of Energation.
The count-down has begun. On Thursday the 30th of Sep 3E is being published.
"The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success" has the following message on the back of its cover:
Did you ever work on something you knew deep inside was a waste of time? Or maybe it seemed important there and then, but long term it proved to have little impact? Sure you have. I certainly have. It happens to all of us, and to a degree it's good we've been there to know what it feels like. It's not a good feeling, is it?!
Let's pinpoint something that's definitely not good. For analytical purposes, let's simplify our working hours and divide everything we do into three categories - in general:
- Low impact - casual work effort (80%)
- High impact - planned structural labor (20%)
- Dramatic impact - great discomfort and pain (0%)
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Let's define the two first categories to begin with, and then look at the last one that's suffering.
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80/20 Is an Excuse and Self Fulfilling Prophesy
Most of today's workforce spend 80% of their average time in low impact activity and 20% in high impact activity (yes, you've probably heard it before - 80% bring in 20% of the results and vice versa). However, these first two categories are dominant because it's what is expected of us, and sadly enough it's what we expect of each other, in total. That's why it's a well known pattern, but our own fault. Sad thing!
Of course, sometimes we do not work at all, but are on the phone with friends and family or are taking care of private matters. In this simplified analysis we class them as interruptions and we've left them out of the picture completely, as these activities are necessary to provide balance to our lives.
Taking Intelligent Action
We can, however, live and work more intelligently by taking a few simple steps. You see, if we want to move away from brainless living to take intelligent action, it will take a little more than just planning.
Moving beyond planning is done by taking regular time-outs to creatively think through our main objectives from a birds eye perspective, both individually and as a team. We do this by asking the basic WHAT, WHO and HOW questions to discover the stuff that will have dramatic impact on your business. These questions are so basic, they will bring you to the heart of the matter. Inevitably, you'll find that the suggested activities will mostly bring you "great discomfort and pain". In other words, you'll only do them if you are truly passionate about what it is you do. But, here's the magic: If you start doing them they will inspire Passion and more Intuition - a continuation of the process.
Surprisingly enough, if we listen to our intuition and act upon it, most of us know exactly what needs to be done, especially if you foster an atmosphere of openness and sharing. Silence and pausing is OK. But not only OK, reflection is extremely valuable. People need time to think and contemplate. Also, the more we act on intuition the stronger its guidance will become.
In Practical Terms
What really will make a difference is raising the bar by engaging everyone in a regular ongoing dialog to create a consensus aiming for a higher standard. For instance you might say; "Let's work smarter, and if smarter, maybe a little less..." Ask: "What will it take to make a dramatic difference, rather than a big difference, for which we're aiming right now?"
And where do you find the time to take such a time-out? By stealing from low impact activities. Typically I counsel our clients to get together during a Friday lunch or late Friday afternoon. That's where you'll usually find low impact activities, and a time-out like this usually is considered as fitting anyway. As a contrast, I would not typically engage in this type of dialog on a Monday morning. You probably see why..?
Thus, the real work is: 1) putting ideas down into writing and as measurable activities that will hold us accountable for results next time we meet and report, and 2) helping each other actually doing it - before we get "that other stuff" done which is less important, and really doesn't matter that much.
Today I watched an excellent clip produced by RSAnimate based on a talk by Daniel Pink. It describes some of the essence behind The WHY Questions: How people are driven by autonomy, mastery and purpose, rather than money when the task at hand is complicated, when it requires conceptual and creative thinking.
I recommend watching this 10 minute video. There's not a dull moment - promise!
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