Have you ever felt misunderstood? Do you know why you were misunderstood? Was it because of what you said? Or could it be that the misunderstanding(s) occured due to feelings rather than words?
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Are words more than just sound moderated by our lips? If anything, what should we say, and how could we say it?
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There is nothing so hurtful as being totally ignored or misunderstood, is there? And equally devastating, being critized or scolded for something we said or did with the best of intentions. Let me share a quick story to make just that point:
| Thirty-five years ago I was a small boy running around in our garden. Then my friend next door and I made an interesting discovery. My dad had put in some new windows in the basement. We quickly found that if we threw a big enough rock at the windows it made a great sound and took on an interesting new shape. Little did I know that we did something wrong. I just thought it was a lot of fun.
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Lesson # 1: Our Internal Conversation Is What Changes Us
What a tragedy it was to me when I discovered what I had done. I had caused my dad pain, and I deeply wanted to make up for it. Now tell me, what would have happened had my dad responded with anger and a lack of respect for his four year old son? Would it have had the same impact on me? Not a chance. Why not? I believe our conscience and feelings are far more effective than words or even physical punishment.
Lesson # 2: Feelings Enhance Memory
I'm pretty sure this lesson would have been quickly forgotten had it not been for the sincere approach of my own father. But because he made me feel the consequences of my actions this experience is still with me today. His words had real meaning to me. Not only do these feelings serve as a reminder of what happened, but today (and forever) also as a constant guide to how I should pay the same kind of respect to my own children.
Lesson # 3: Mutual Respect Changes "Short Term Bad" to "Long Term Good"
What a powerful and long lasting example he set for me that particular day. Even more importantly, he turned a hopeless situation into a memorable teaching moment.
Lesson # 4: Communication Is Felt More Than Heard
Feelings outweigh words in every shape and form. If we do not feel favorable to another person, nothing that person says will ever have an effect on us. When it comes to communication, feelings are on a lower, more significant, level than words. Now ask yourself; could it be that there exists a level of communication that's even more important than feelings?
Asking questions, especially the right question, cannot be overestimated in sales. Pinpointed and effective questions drive the conversation and helps all involved to reflect on the right issues. Reflecting on and narrowing the discussion down to what really matters is the forerunner to getting a bird's eye view.
Did you ever find yourself bogged down in the thick of thin things? Are you at times unable to see the forest for the trees?
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The problem is more common than you might suspect. In my experience, everyone has blind spots. Missing the full perspective and making mistakes may not be very harmful case by case, but when leaders make mistakes it may affect a lot of good people. (BTW, we're all leaders in one way or another.) | ||||||
Blind spots will cause even the most sincere leader to make mistakes. If those mistakes are to be avoided, leaders need someone that can help them flap their wings and get a bird's eye perspective. Such a perspective can only be achieved through skillful and persistent questioning.
Self Evaluation
Decades of research has clarified a large array of types of questions that have great impact depending on how and when they are asked. Why does this matter? It matters in so many ways. Today I'd like to share one basic principle in which you can apply the importance of questions right away in your own life - on your own:
Recently I was digging dirt in our garden. The task seemed overwhelming, but I kept at it. Every so often I would take a few steps back and ask myself: "Is this turning out the way I want it to?" The sight was not encouraging at first, but step by step the entire garden became smooth just like I had it pictured in my mind.
We can do the same in every situation and scenario. "Is this turning out the way I want it to?" is a simple question that will cause us to evaluate whatever it is we do. Surprisingly enough, many people seldom take the time to stop and reflect about the progress they're making. As a result, we lose track of where we are, how we are doing and what results we are getting.
Conscious Conversation with Yourself
How can we get a bird's eye perspective? Take the time to evaluate by asking that simple question. Ask yourself before retiring to bed at night: "Is this turning out the way I want it to?". In one way or another, you'll find issues that need fixing. The question and issues will remain with you throughout your sleep and the morning will present insight provided by your subconscious mind. It never fails.
Another wonderful way to reflect is by talking to yourself while driving the car. Turn off the music and rather have a conversation with yourself about a problem you're faced with. If you're embarrassed to answer your own questions, then ask questions only without answering them out loud. Your mind will begin to search for solutions. Regardless of how you do it, the most important element is to actively seek time to be alone and think. Sometimes it helps to read an inspiring book before you ponder your current situation. A thought provoking article or poem may trigger feelings that can put you in the mode of reflecting on life and the bigger picture.
A person that does not take the time on a regular basis to ask and ponder some tough questions in private has a poor life indeed. Take the time to reflect on your challenges, what you'd like to accomplish together with others or where you'd like to be in a year or two from now. It will make your current problems seem less discouraging when you take a step back and seek a bird's eye perspective.
Is there someone that's really important to you? Do you really need to influence someone? If you really have a desparate need to, I mean, if you really need to influence another person, then I've spent the past nine years exploring HOW this is best done. Here's a quick example.
We have five children. All five are highly active individuals. When all five are in one place, they always have at least two conversations going on at the same time, sometimes more. The chatter is endless. Simply inspiring to watch and behold as a parent ;-)
Now, let's say we're driving in the car. When I bring all our five children with me I easily end up being nothing but the driver of the car. Unless I somehow get involved in the conversation, the situation by default will turn me into a chafeur, "disappearing in the crowd".
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So if I want to become more influential, what would be a smart move? Three things:
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Well, instead of bringing all the kids in the car at the same time, I can (1) strengthen the position by just inviting one of them to come along. Of course, this may not always be possible. Sometimes the whole family needs to go somewhere. But let's say I want to influence one of my daughters. When only the two of us are in the car I automatically make the switch from being the driver to becoming "daddy". The improved position now allows me to (2) build our relationship. How do we best build a relationship? For example, I can (3) improve my behavior in relation to my daughter by listening more attentatively.
What's the difference? I've applied The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success that automatically changed the scenario to one-on-one. I've found that "the one-on-one scenario" often results when we strengthen position, build relationships and improve behavior. Going one-on-one turns me into a dad, a spouse, a friend, a colleague, a leader. In fact, no matter what, going one-on-one always leverages the greatest influence!
Why ask questions? Why should we? We constantly hear about the value of asking questions, but why is it so important? A little insight into why may very well instantly influence your style to becoming a more questioning individual.
A master teacher understands the power of questions. Any successful speaker asks questions. An effective leader asks questions. Negotiations are all about questions. Mothers and fathers reach out to their children when asking candid questions. Conflict requires questioning. If all these statements are true, then how come? Why are questions so important?
The more training I do, do you know what I find? I discover how poorly we make use of that one critical skill that makes communication really flow. And what is that skill? It's asking questions. What would happen if we asked more questions? Here's what I see - every day; every question asked immediately improves all aspects of communication.
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What happens when we make the switch to increasing the number of questions? Here are some examples:
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Why is it so important to ask questions? What is it about asking questions that so dramatically improves communication? When should we ask questions? How should we ask questions?
Questions Trigger Thoughts
What do skilled speakers do? The best speakers ask questions all the time. Even when communicating in monologue, questions lubricate the message. Ask them, then answer them yourself. Why? Because the question that is being raised and spelled out clearly sharpens the attention of a listener. What can we learn from this? Our first conclusion is: Always ask questions, regardless of what you do!
Here's a list principles that encourages asking a lot of questions:
- The question decides the topic. If you want to set the agenda, be the first to ask a question.
- Questions give you more information and information equals power.
- Questions give you time to think.
- Questioning leverages "an open style", and people appreciate your asking for input and feedback.
- Questions encourages the other person to talk. People love to talk (...about themselves).
- Questions combine thoughts and brains, leveraging synergy (1+1 = 3 or much more).
- Questions trigger the unconscious creative brain power in both the speaker and the listener.
- Questions rule out misunderstandings. (Research indicates that summarizing and checking for understanding up to 11 times adds value to mutual understanding.)
- Questions and silence relieves you of responsibility (i.e. speaking reveals your opinion and immediately holds you accountable).
- And quite possibly most of all, asking a question is still the best way to trigger a conversation.
Indeed, and in fact, it is the question that holds the real information. How? By how something only can really be understood when the question is clearly formulated. Anyone can come up with "answers" and suggestions, but it takes a master to ask the question that reveals true understanding and insight. What do inventors do? Inventors ask questions. That's how they invent. What does science do? Science asks questions. That's how new theories appear.
Albert Einstein, among others, brought this principle to our attention when he said: "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it". Slightly paraphrased in simpler language; "a problem can never be solved at the level we were at when we created it."
Is it any wonder then that Jesus and Socrates were such fans of asking questions? Why not ask more questions?
Did you ever think about the powerful symbol one single book can become? Or did you ever think about why, when afterall, you've read the book, you still cling to it, making sure to keep it in a safe place? Why are you keeping it? Is it because you're planning on reading it again?
On my shelf I have quite a few books. Or rather, I should say, on my shelves there are many books. Have you ever asked yourself why we keep a book after we've read it? I mean, are you going to read it again?
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I've given this some thought, lately. Why do I keep all those books? I believe part of the reason why I hang on to them is because I want to "forever" keepsake the experience each book represents (...and in some strange way, the same goes for any collectible item, doesn't it?). We want to remember. Not only remember what was written, but even more so each book represents a thought or train of thought, a number of ideas and discoveries, renewed and enriched perception, even the desire for improved quality and the sensation of a better life. At least, that's what those books are to me. And that's probably why I keep them..!? | ||||
Increasing the Value of a Book
I admit, most of those books I'll never read all the way through a second time. This morning I thought about that. Why? Because some of my books are definitely worth reading a second time. Kids do it all the time, you know..? Reading the same book over and over again to a little child has been proven to be extremely effective for language development, stimulating a mental capacity and faculty of fantacy, developing memory, as well as a long list of other vital benefits. Don't you think the same benefits apply to grown-ups? Yet, I seldom bring myself to read the same book a second time. It probably is because I constantly have about 3-4 new books waiting to be read.
Another important reason for my keeping books in a valued spot of my home office is always having at my fingertips what I would call "an enlarged mind" - the extension of what I'm able to consciously retain. You see, I've marked these books and have taken extensive notes throughout their pages. Each book is almost like part of my journal. When I browse through them today, I can quickly find what I'm looking for. But more importantly, I can see and retain what I learned, thought, discovered and mentally saw when I read it the first time.
Passing on Knowledge
Besides all this, there's more to it. For instance, I'd like my kids to read some of these books. (Don't know if they actually will, but when the time is right, I make recommendations about possible reading material. For instance, right now our two oldest are both reading "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", written by Stephen R. Covey.) Of course, my hope is that they will benefit from these book, just like I have. In fact, my kids are already returning the favour. In a few weeks time I will be reading Harry Potter, because my kids have urged me to.
On a practical level, I like to refer to them when I write an article or a book myself. I just finished "The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success" and am already working on another one. The inspired words of inspired people inspires me to produce and share my own inspired text.
So, in conclusion, I've come to realize that there are many reasons why I keep my books. They're actually not only taking up much needed space. On the contrary, their giving me space to live my life the way I need and want to. That's why I believe the symbol and power of a book lies in how it's an addage to our identity. Each book in my shelf is part of who I am.
Are you able to quickly calculate the number of relationships there are in a group of people that all know each other? It's easy. But WHY would such a number, or the question itself, be of interest to you at all..?
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Relationships are one-on-one. The equation of human relationships is (n² - n)/2. So if you're in a group of 9 people that all know each other, there are (9² - 9)/2 = 36 relationships. Imagine the explosive nature of this equation as the number of people in the group grows. This principle is part of the secret behind the power of a human network. The more people you know, the easier you gain access to whoever or whatever it is you need.
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However, let's consider an even more important aspect of this. The flip side. What if you were that person with unlimited resources? Two questions: 1) Would you not like to be such an individual? ...and 2) do you think people would come to you for help?
It is my experience that if we make building a network our lifestyle, people will increasingly come to us for help and (and this is the secret) present us with opportunities on the way. People presenting you with problems that need solutions are usually bringing you hidden opportunities.
HOW do you build a network? By constantly engaging yourself in three key habits:
- Be the best at what you do (PASSION)
- Seek out and build new friends (CONNECTION)
- Give more than you receive (INTUITION)
...but you have to make it a lifestyle. It's only by practicing Passion, Connection and Intuition daily that you become genuine.
Influence is a desirable talent. It's that one thing that would pretty much solve every one of your current problems. It's your lack of influence that's the main reason for your biggest challenges - right now. You better believe it!
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You wonder why I'm so focused on influence as the single most important topic? Well, let's think about influence for a moment?
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For a moment, just lift your vision and view your own life in a bird's eye perspective. Consider every aspect of what you are trying to accomplish, as well as what you have tried to accomplish in the past and also what you will seek to accomplish in the future. Literally speaking, every problem, every project, every single endeavor small or great – the long and meaningful list of things you do and fill your life with... Does it not all begin and end with a relationship to at least one other person? It does, doesn't it? The relationship we have with the people around us is the very making or breaking of success – in every respect. You will have to agree!
Now consider every single important person in your life – see all of them in front of you – and ask yourself: Am I successfully reaching out in such a way that we are working towards mutual goals and objectives, giving me power to influence them? To the degree that you are influential, you'll be successful. To the degree that you are not, you will fail. It really is that black and white.
You may be thinking: “I may not be supremely influential, but I do have some influence on for instance my own daughter.” Well, then you'll succeed at least in part, but in no way will you be able to help her beyond the degree of your influence on her. Or you may say, I'm not yet interacting with and influencing the right or relevant people, but that's just another way of saying the same thing. Think about it. Be honest with yourself.
Success can have a wide array of definitions, but unless it somehow involves people or at least "someone else" it is has no real meaning, does it? What matters - long term - is the modeling influence you have on another person's life and actions. To learn more about influence, learn more about Passion, Connection and Intuition. which makes up the main ingredients or energies of Energation.
The count-down has begun. On Thursday the 30th of Sep 3E is being published.
"The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success" has the following message on the back of its cover:
Did you ever work on something you knew deep inside was a waste of time? Or maybe it seemed important there and then, but long term it proved to have little impact? Sure you have. I certainly have. It happens to all of us, and to a degree it's good we've been there to know what it feels like. It's not a good feeling, is it?!
Let's pinpoint something that's definitely not good. For analytical purposes, let's simplify our working hours and divide everything we do into three categories - in general:
- Low impact - casual work effort (80%)
- High impact - planned structural labor (20%)
- Dramatic impact - great discomfort and pain (0%)
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Let's define the two first categories to begin with, and then look at the last one that's suffering.
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80/20 Is an Excuse and Self Fulfilling Prophesy
Most of today's workforce spend 80% of their average time in low impact activity and 20% in high impact activity (yes, you've probably heard it before - 80% bring in 20% of the results and vice versa). However, these first two categories are dominant because it's what is expected of us, and sadly enough it's what we expect of each other, in total. That's why it's a well known pattern, but our own fault. Sad thing!
Of course, sometimes we do not work at all, but are on the phone with friends and family or are taking care of private matters. In this simplified analysis we class them as interruptions and we've left them out of the picture completely, as these activities are necessary to provide balance to our lives.
Taking Intelligent Action
We can, however, live and work more intelligently by taking a few simple steps. You see, if we want to move away from brainless living to take intelligent action, it will take a little more than just planning.
Moving beyond planning is done by taking regular time-outs to creatively think through our main objectives from a birds eye perspective, both individually and as a team. We do this by asking the basic WHAT, WHO and HOW questions to discover the stuff that will have dramatic impact on your business. These questions are so basic, they will bring you to the heart of the matter. Inevitably, you'll find that the suggested activities will mostly bring you "great discomfort and pain". In other words, you'll only do them if you are truly passionate about what it is you do. But, here's the magic: If you start doing them they will inspire Passion and more Intuition - a continuation of the process.
Surprisingly enough, if we listen to our intuition and act upon it, most of us know exactly what needs to be done, especially if you foster an atmosphere of openness and sharing. Silence and pausing is OK. But not only OK, reflection is extremely valuable. People need time to think and contemplate. Also, the more we act on intuition the stronger its guidance will become.
In Practical Terms
What really will make a difference is raising the bar by engaging everyone in a regular ongoing dialog to create a consensus aiming for a higher standard. For instance you might say; "Let's work smarter, and if smarter, maybe a little less..." Ask: "What will it take to make a dramatic difference, rather than a big difference, for which we're aiming right now?"
And where do you find the time to take such a time-out? By stealing from low impact activities. Typically I counsel our clients to get together during a Friday lunch or late Friday afternoon. That's where you'll usually find low impact activities, and a time-out like this usually is considered as fitting anyway. As a contrast, I would not typically engage in this type of dialog on a Monday morning. You probably see why..?
Thus, the real work is: 1) putting ideas down into writing and as measurable activities that will hold us accountable for results next time we meet and report, and 2) helping each other actually doing it - before we get "that other stuff" done which is less important, and really doesn't matter that much.
Life will bring you dark moments. It hurts to go through them, but when you're proactive bright times will dominate your life and can in fact jumpstart your path to success. To a person in sales, with a lot of regular setbacks, this is an important lesson to be learned and can become a lifestyle that will make all the difference.
Yesterday was an awful day for me. Just terrible! In addition, I lost a major contract I expected to close. Everything I had scheduled was headed toward success.
However, not only did I fail miserably, but people and circumstances gave me clear feedback about mistakes I had made. If you're like me; I can live with failure because it's what success is all about, but making mistakes is ten times worse. It's personal and hurts more than failure.
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So I was feeling low!
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Did you ever find that when you look back on life, memories are mostly the happy ones. For some reason, most people tend to forget the dark moments, but savour the bright one's. In sum, all the happy moments appear to the mind as long and enduring bright times. (That's why we sometimes are inclined to think: "I used to be so happy, but now everything's so hard...")
So what can we learn from our ability to filter out the dark moments? How can this help us improve our lives on a daily basis?
Maintain Energy and Momentum
When you're experiencing a dark moment, accept it. Don't fight it. Strong and bad emotions are necessary opposites in a happy life. Let it pass by not making any serious or rash decisions. Close your mouth if you're tempted to take it out on the people around you. Listen more. Get involved in the lives of others and most importantly, retire early and let the body and mind rest it out.
Remember, late night moments are literally in the dark. If you retire early they will not last long. (During the night, your mind will be searching for answers and often find them, sometimes without you knowing it. Let the mind do the work for you.) In stead of extending the day - and the pain - by burning the midnight oil, rather choose to arise early and spend as much of your waking hours in the (day)light. It's a lifestyle that maintains your energy level and increases your momentum. The people around you will be surprised by your ability to get back up so soon after having taken such a serious beating, believe me!
Inevitably, dark moments will occur, however brief they might be, but bright times and feelings of happiness can and will dominate your life, now, not only in the past, if you want it to.
p.s. I'm well aware of chronic illnesses and serious depression, for which there certainly is no quick fix. What we're talking about here, though, is the tendency of any "healthy" person to sink into depression over matters that will evaporate if only you apply the principles outlined above.
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