What's so hard about commitment and action? When a person won't commit, why is that? And when someone has promised to do something, why does it take follow up to get it done? Could it be that these questions somehow summarize the bulk of the problems you're faced with right now?
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Wouldn't it be nice if we could trigger people just like when shooting a film? "And, action..."
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- What YOU do speaks louder than words. YOUR actions communicate YOUR deepest convictions.
- What OTHERS do also speaks louder than words. THEIR actions communicate THEIR deepest convictions.
We Do What We Believe
Sometimes we make life a lot more difficult than it needs to be. Just exactly what is it that makes life challenging? A lot of things, but in general, the people around us. It's what other people do or don't do that frustrates us the most.
Think about it. Except for strictly personal challenges, for every little problem you face, there's one or more people involved. If you took the time to list every problem you feel you have right now, you'll find that every issue comes down to your ability to help others make and keep commitments. Oh sure, some problems may be downright conflicts, but in the end - that too is a matter of them not "behaving" the way you'd like them to.
Ultimately, we cannot move ourselves or others beyond our deepest convictions. So, here's how we get commitment and action:
| People commit when they understand (i.e. believe) the WHY and WHAT. | |||||
| People will execute when they also understand (i.e. believe) the WHO and HOW | |||||
So what does all of this mean? Specifically..? The only person we can change is ourselves. Therefore, the only frustration should be focused on me.
Help Them Commit
If someone does not respond positively to our invitation, we need to change. How? When we change in such a way that we clearly communicate the WHY and WHAT, people around us will begin to commit. (If they don't, we've failed and must try and try again.)
Help Them Execute
If someone says they will do something, but fails doing it, we need to change. How? When we change in such a way that we clearly communicate the WHO and HOW, people around us will begin to execute. (If they don't, we've failed and must try and try again.)
Ultimately, the only way to communicate WHY, WHAT, WHO and HOW is to help the other person discover the answers for themselves. And how does one do this? By asking questions; 3E questions.
Asking questions, especially the right question, cannot be overestimated in sales. Pinpointed and effective questions drive the conversation and helps all involved to reflect on the right issues. Reflecting on and narrowing the discussion down to what really matters is the forerunner to getting a bird's eye view.
Did you ever find yourself bogged down in the thick of thin things? Are you at times unable to see the forest for the trees?
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The problem is more common than you might suspect. In my experience, everyone has blind spots. Missing the full perspective and making mistakes may not be very harmful case by case, but when leaders make mistakes it may affect a lot of good people. (BTW, we're all leaders in one way or another.) | ||||||
Blind spots will cause even the most sincere leader to make mistakes. If those mistakes are to be avoided, leaders need someone that can help them flap their wings and get a bird's eye perspective. Such a perspective can only be achieved through skillful and persistent questioning.
Self Evaluation
Decades of research has clarified a large array of types of questions that have great impact depending on how and when they are asked. Why does this matter? It matters in so many ways. Today I'd like to share one basic principle in which you can apply the importance of questions right away in your own life - on your own:
Recently I was digging dirt in our garden. The task seemed overwhelming, but I kept at it. Every so often I would take a few steps back and ask myself: "Is this turning out the way I want it to?" The sight was not encouraging at first, but step by step the entire garden became smooth just like I had it pictured in my mind.
We can do the same in every situation and scenario. "Is this turning out the way I want it to?" is a simple question that will cause us to evaluate whatever it is we do. Surprisingly enough, many people seldom take the time to stop and reflect about the progress they're making. As a result, we lose track of where we are, how we are doing and what results we are getting.
Conscious Conversation with Yourself
How can we get a bird's eye perspective? Take the time to evaluate by asking that simple question. Ask yourself before retiring to bed at night: "Is this turning out the way I want it to?". In one way or another, you'll find issues that need fixing. The question and issues will remain with you throughout your sleep and the morning will present insight provided by your subconscious mind. It never fails.
Another wonderful way to reflect is by talking to yourself while driving the car. Turn off the music and rather have a conversation with yourself about a problem you're faced with. If you're embarrassed to answer your own questions, then ask questions only without answering them out loud. Your mind will begin to search for solutions. Regardless of how you do it, the most important element is to actively seek time to be alone and think. Sometimes it helps to read an inspiring book before you ponder your current situation. A thought provoking article or poem may trigger feelings that can put you in the mode of reflecting on life and the bigger picture.
A person that does not take the time on a regular basis to ask and ponder some tough questions in private has a poor life indeed. Take the time to reflect on your challenges, what you'd like to accomplish together with others or where you'd like to be in a year or two from now. It will make your current problems seem less discouraging when you take a step back and seek a bird's eye perspective.
What is it you want, may be an enticing question. However, one way or the other, it is not the right place to start. Our intentions need a deeper source than merely aiming and gaining. "Intent" makes all the difference. Why? Because our agenda affects our entire style and demeanor. Ultimately intent decides who we will become.
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Most people are predominantly occupied with self interest. Thus, asking, "what is it you want", has an immediate appeal and most often easily triggers a response. But beware, the answer says a lot about who you are and what it is that dominates your agenda.
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Even though there's only one word that makes up the difference, that one word turns everything up-side-down: "Having" focuses on the external and short term gratification. It is driven by selfish purposes. "Becoming" focuses on the internal and long term. It usually drives a greater purpose.
Collecting
People with a mind set centered on "putting things into the box" (i.e. collecting) gain little from training. Their attention is focused on what it gives them in return for the time they spend sacrificing self interest. Attitude is poor. Results are even worse. How come? They are mainly exploring self interest by asking WHAT; "what's in it for me..?" and "what will I gain from this..?" seeing obstacles everywhere and becoming more and more blind to opportunity.
Sharing
People focused on "taking things out of the box" (i.e. sharing) gain more from training. Their efforts center around giving and less on immediate return. In the process their attitude is positive. Results take time, but they gradually undergo change. How come? They are mainly challenging deeper altruistic and societal purpose by asking WHY; "why are we involved in this..?" and "why shouldn't we..?" seeing less obstacles and constantly seeking new opportunities.
Ever since I first grasped the concept of "the numbers game" I've been fascinated with statistics and predictable outcomes. Can we apply empirical data to improve ourselves, the teams we're part of and the company or organization we work for? Yes we can.
I still vividly remember a particular math class in primary school. We were assigned the task of observing traffic from a bridge, with cars driving underneath it. From where we were standing we could easily witness whether or not each driver had fastened their seat belt. We also kept track of some other data which quickly revealed some patterns.
The strange thing was, the numbers always came out pretty much the same. I learnt quite a few things that day. Among others, given the right conditions, sufficiently large groups of people (i.e. "populations") are predictable. Just like the weather forecast is able to foresee weather variations, so can also pure observation teach us about people. Even though we're all different, in large numbers, we can act on assumptions that will support us in any collaboration to produce successful results.
Why is this so exciting to me? Let me tell you... in so many ways! Let me highlight two perspectives in which "large numbers" can be applied on a practical level.
Macro Trends (Many People)
Every time I head up a new project that involves a lot of people, I know the best way to succeed is to first know something about pains and gains. If a certain percentage of people have the same pain, I know there's an equivalent need on the reverse side. The people with the need should be listened to. That listening is the essence of what I do all the time. It's the best guarantee for success. I have yet to see a project that fails beginning with and based on listening to the people with a screaming need. (And if you can't find an immediate need, you simply continue by listening more ;-)
Micro Trends (One Person)
Patterns can be found in groups of people, but patterns can also be found in individuals if you observe them over time. In this way, "the large numbers" can reveal and predict habits or trends which can be used to map out behavior. I use this on myself as well as on others in coaching. It's a powerful tool. (If you want help observing yourself, let me know, and I'll help you get started - all depending on what you'd like to accomplish.)
It will surprise you how much --observation with regular intervals-- can do for you to help eliminate and replace dysfunctional behavior. This year I'll be working closely with Knut Vareide on one (or more) research projects. Knut is well known in Norway for measuring societal trends and I thoroughly enjoy both his expertise and friendship. Knut Vareide just recently set up a blog on regional development, which I believe will be interesting to follow.
Is there someone that's really important to you? Do you really need to influence someone? If you really have a desparate need to, I mean, if you really need to influence another person, then I've spent the past nine years exploring HOW this is best done. Here's a quick example.
We have five children. All five are highly active individuals. When all five are in one place, they always have at least two conversations going on at the same time, sometimes more. The chatter is endless. Simply inspiring to watch and behold as a parent ;-)
Now, let's say we're driving in the car. When I bring all our five children with me I easily end up being nothing but the driver of the car. Unless I somehow get involved in the conversation, the situation by default will turn me into a chafeur, "disappearing in the crowd".
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So if I want to become more influential, what would be a smart move? Three things:
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Well, instead of bringing all the kids in the car at the same time, I can (1) strengthen the position by just inviting one of them to come along. Of course, this may not always be possible. Sometimes the whole family needs to go somewhere. But let's say I want to influence one of my daughters. When only the two of us are in the car I automatically make the switch from being the driver to becoming "daddy". The improved position now allows me to (2) build our relationship. How do we best build a relationship? For example, I can (3) improve my behavior in relation to my daughter by listening more attentatively.
What's the difference? I've applied The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success that automatically changed the scenario to one-on-one. I've found that "the one-on-one scenario" often results when we strengthen position, build relationships and improve behavior. Going one-on-one turns me into a dad, a spouse, a friend, a colleague, a leader. In fact, no matter what, going one-on-one always leverages the greatest influence!
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Why ask questions? Why should we? We constantly hear about the value of asking questions, but why is it so important? A little insight into why may very well instantly influence your style to becoming a more questioning individual.
A master teacher understands the power of questions. Any successful speaker asks questions. An effective leader asks questions. Negotiations are all about questions. Mothers and fathers reach out to their children when asking candid questions. Conflict requires questioning. If all these statements are true, then how come? Why are questions so important?
The more training I do, do you know what I find? I discover how poorly we make use of that one critical skill that makes communication really flow. And what is that skill? It's asking questions. What would happen if we asked more questions? Here's what I see - every day; every question asked immediately improves all aspects of communication.
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What happens when we make the switch to increasing the number of questions? Here are some examples:
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Why is it so important to ask questions? What is it about asking questions that so dramatically improves communication? When should we ask questions? How should we ask questions?
Questions Trigger Thoughts
What do skilled speakers do? The best speakers ask questions all the time. Even when communicating in monologue, questions lubricate the message. Ask them, then answer them yourself. Why? Because the question that is being raised and spelled out clearly sharpens the attention of a listener. What can we learn from this? Our first conclusion is: Always ask questions, regardless of what you do!
Here's a list principles that encourages asking a lot of questions:
- The question decides the topic. If you want to set the agenda, be the first to ask a question.
- Questions give you more information and information equals power.
- Questions give you time to think.
- Questioning leverages "an open style", and people appreciate your asking for input and feedback.
- Questions encourages the other person to talk. People love to talk (...about themselves).
- Questions combine thoughts and brains, leveraging synergy (1+1 = 3 or much more).
- Questions trigger the unconscious creative brain power in both the speaker and the listener.
- Questions rule out misunderstandings. (Research indicates that summarizing and checking for understanding up to 11 times adds value to mutual understanding.)
- Questions and silence relieves you of responsibility (i.e. speaking reveals your opinion and immediately holds you accountable).
- And quite possibly most of all, asking a question is still the best way to trigger a conversation.
Indeed, and in fact, it is the question that holds the real information. How? By how something only can really be understood when the question is clearly formulated. Anyone can come up with "answers" and suggestions, but it takes a master to ask the question that reveals true understanding and insight. What do inventors do? Inventors ask questions. That's how they invent. What does science do? Science asks questions. That's how new theories appear.
Albert Einstein, among others, brought this principle to our attention when he said: "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it". Slightly paraphrased in simpler language; "a problem can never be solved at the level we were at when we created it."
Is it any wonder then that Jesus and Socrates were such fans of asking questions? Why not ask more questions?
Networking is a lifestyle, nothing more, nothing less. Your life and style reveals your motivations (the WHY's and WHAT's) as well as WHO you are. To get insight about yourself, consider HOW you behave when you're around other people.
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One of three main differences between successful and unsuccessful people is the way in which they build relationships. If I were to describe the difference with as few words as possible; "Successful people always build relationships, unsuccessful people only build relationships when they see the need to."
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Relationships Are Like Flowers
The difference in attitude is scary. The difference in results even more so. To this day I am surprised at how some people just never make this basic discovery; the staggering and fatal consequences of stepping another person on his or her toes. A friend of mine said it so well: "A relationship is like a tender plant. We try to build relationships, but every so often we walk around in the bed of flowers hoping that the flowers will still somehow blossom." A relationship needs constant attention, and one mistake only will forever hurt and remain unless there is honest and sincere forgiveness.
My conclusion? Don't just network when you need work or more business. Make networking a lifestyle, and you'll soon find that even your attitude will improve as a result of your working to improve your behavior.
Most of us actually believe we can change another person. I admit, the perception of actually influencing others may feel like we indeed cause them to change. Let's take a look at how influence and change are highly correlated, yet two distinct different aspects altogether.
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A person with the mistaken paradigm dominated by beliefs that communicate "I can change another individual" will manifest this belief system in many different ways - automatically. Why?
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- growing irritation (seemingly caused by the behavior of another person)
- uncontrolled anger (leading to a desire to enforce behavior change)
- undue pride in the success of others (by perceiving it as part of our own doing)
- undeserved impatience with the failures or shortcomings of others (by projecting missing or undesired results on to ourselves)
- ...and many other unfortunate side effects.
And so the list continues. In fact, most of our self defeating behaviors regarding relationships stem from this faulty belief. In short, believing that we can change or control someone makes its appearance in power struggles, rhetorics, manipulation and ultimately a lack of respect. How?
Whenever we seek to control, manipulate or push another person, we are violating the basic principle of respect. And --true respect-- only stems from a profound understanding that everyone is responsible for him or herself. Thus, respect is the only path to long term success with people.
Misbehavior Manifests Incorrect Beliefs
Every behavior pattern that does not stimulate long term success with other people discloses deep and underlying beliefs that are distorted, sometimes even perverted. In fact, the important issue at hand is this:
| "We all radiate behavior patterns from time to time that reveal incorrect beliefs related to the mistaken thinking that we can change others". | ||||||||
If you don't believe this also concerns you, you're simply unaware of it and only have a greater need to reach a higher state of conscious living. This has everything to do with our degree of influence on the people around us.
Thus, the important question is how do we adjust or replace our deepest flawed beliefs with beliefs that better reflect reality? To do this it helps to understand the difference between internal change and external influence. In closing I will therefore highlight the core of these two.
INTERNAL – Changing me
We change ourselves to influence others.
When we see things as they really are, i.e. realizing the fact that we can only change ourselves, then our behavior will automatically change to become more influential. Why? Because on the deepest level, the programs we have developed affects everything we do. When we reach a deep understanding and belief that I am free to be me, and you are free to be you, we change the program by how we see the world. Thus, our behavior will automatically improve by how it begins to run in sync with the newly acquired belief.
EXTERNAL – Influencing others
We influence others to change themselves.
Understanding others is the essence of influence. When, and this is just as important as changing ourselves, we seek to influence others the most lasting and powerful influence we can cause to take place is by helping others understand in such a way that behavior automatically changes as a result of this insight. We can only help others receive this insight when we possess it ourselves.
And with this we reach a basic conclusion. What's basic? 1) I can change me to more effectively influence others, and 2) I can influence others to more effectively change themselves.
Did you ever think about the powerful symbol one single book can become? Or did you ever think about why, when afterall, you've read the book, you still cling to it, making sure to keep it in a safe place? Why are you keeping it? Is it because you're planning on reading it again?
On my shelf I have quite a few books. Or rather, I should say, on my shelves there are many books. Have you ever asked yourself why we keep a book after we've read it? I mean, are you going to read it again?
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I've given this some thought, lately. Why do I keep all those books? I believe part of the reason why I hang on to them is because I want to "forever" keepsake the experience each book represents (...and in some strange way, the same goes for any collectible item, doesn't it?). We want to remember. Not only remember what was written, but even more so each book represents a thought or train of thought, a number of ideas and discoveries, renewed and enriched perception, even the desire for improved quality and the sensation of a better life. At least, that's what those books are to me. And that's probably why I keep them..!? | ||||
Increasing the Value of a Book
I admit, most of those books I'll never read all the way through a second time. This morning I thought about that. Why? Because some of my books are definitely worth reading a second time. Kids do it all the time, you know..? Reading the same book over and over again to a little child has been proven to be extremely effective for language development, stimulating a mental capacity and faculty of fantacy, developing memory, as well as a long list of other vital benefits. Don't you think the same benefits apply to grown-ups? Yet, I seldom bring myself to read the same book a second time. It probably is because I constantly have about 3-4 new books waiting to be read.
Another important reason for my keeping books in a valued spot of my home office is always having at my fingertips what I would call "an enlarged mind" - the extension of what I'm able to consciously retain. You see, I've marked these books and have taken extensive notes throughout their pages. Each book is almost like part of my journal. When I browse through them today, I can quickly find what I'm looking for. But more importantly, I can see and retain what I learned, thought, discovered and mentally saw when I read it the first time.
Passing on Knowledge
Besides all this, there's more to it. For instance, I'd like my kids to read some of these books. (Don't know if they actually will, but when the time is right, I make recommendations about possible reading material. For instance, right now our two oldest are both reading "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People", written by Stephen R. Covey.) Of course, my hope is that they will benefit from these book, just like I have. In fact, my kids are already returning the favour. In a few weeks time I will be reading Harry Potter, because my kids have urged me to.
On a practical level, I like to refer to them when I write an article or a book myself. I just finished "The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success" and am already working on another one. The inspired words of inspired people inspires me to produce and share my own inspired text.
So, in conclusion, I've come to realize that there are many reasons why I keep my books. They're actually not only taking up much needed space. On the contrary, their giving me space to live my life the way I need and want to. That's why I believe the symbol and power of a book lies in how it's an addage to our identity. Each book in my shelf is part of who I am.
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