What's so hard about commitment and action? When a person won't commit, why is that? And when someone has promised to do something, why does it take follow up to get it done? Could it be that these questions somehow summarize the bulk of the problems you're faced with right now?
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Wouldn't it be nice if we could trigger people just like when shooting a film? "And, action..."
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- What YOU do speaks louder than words. YOUR actions communicate YOUR deepest convictions.
- What OTHERS do also speaks louder than words. THEIR actions communicate THEIR deepest convictions.
We Do What We Believe
Sometimes we make life a lot more difficult than it needs to be. Just exactly what is it that makes life challenging? A lot of things, but in general, the people around us. It's what other people do or don't do that frustrates us the most.
Think about it. Except for strictly personal challenges, for every little problem you face, there's one or more people involved. If you took the time to list every problem you feel you have right now, you'll find that every issue comes down to your ability to help others make and keep commitments. Oh sure, some problems may be downright conflicts, but in the end - that too is a matter of them not "behaving" the way you'd like them to.
Ultimately, we cannot move ourselves or others beyond our deepest convictions. So, here's how we get commitment and action:
| People commit when they understand (i.e. believe) the WHY and WHAT. | |||||
| People will execute when they also understand (i.e. believe) the WHO and HOW | |||||
So what does all of this mean? Specifically..? The only person we can change is ourselves. Therefore, the only frustration should be focused on me.
Help Them Commit
If someone does not respond positively to our invitation, we need to change. How? When we change in such a way that we clearly communicate the WHY and WHAT, people around us will begin to commit. (If they don't, we've failed and must try and try again.)
Help Them Execute
If someone says they will do something, but fails doing it, we need to change. How? When we change in such a way that we clearly communicate the WHO and HOW, people around us will begin to execute. (If they don't, we've failed and must try and try again.)
Ultimately, the only way to communicate WHY, WHAT, WHO and HOW is to help the other person discover the answers for themselves. And how does one do this? By asking questions; 3E questions.
Have you ever felt misunderstood? Do you know why you were misunderstood? Was it because of what you said? Or could it be that the misunderstanding(s) occured due to feelings rather than words?
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Are words more than just sound moderated by our lips? If anything, what should we say, and how could we say it?
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There is nothing so hurtful as being totally ignored or misunderstood, is there? And equally devastating, being critized or scolded for something we said or did with the best of intentions. Let me share a quick story to make just that point:
| Thirty-five years ago I was a small boy running around in our garden. Then my friend next door and I made an interesting discovery. My dad had put in some new windows in the basement. We quickly found that if we threw a big enough rock at the windows it made a great sound and took on an interesting new shape. Little did I know that we did something wrong. I just thought it was a lot of fun.
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Lesson # 1: Our Internal Conversation Is What Changes Us
What a tragedy it was to me when I discovered what I had done. I had caused my dad pain, and I deeply wanted to make up for it. Now tell me, what would have happened had my dad responded with anger and a lack of respect for his four year old son? Would it have had the same impact on me? Not a chance. Why not? I believe our conscience and feelings are far more effective than words or even physical punishment.
Lesson # 2: Feelings Enhance Memory
I'm pretty sure this lesson would have been quickly forgotten had it not been for the sincere approach of my own father. But because he made me feel the consequences of my actions this experience is still with me today. His words had real meaning to me. Not only do these feelings serve as a reminder of what happened, but today (and forever) also as a constant guide to how I should pay the same kind of respect to my own children.
Lesson # 3: Mutual Respect Changes "Short Term Bad" to "Long Term Good"
What a powerful and long lasting example he set for me that particular day. Even more importantly, he turned a hopeless situation into a memorable teaching moment.
Lesson # 4: Communication Is Felt More Than Heard
Feelings outweigh words in every shape and form. If we do not feel favorable to another person, nothing that person says will ever have an effect on us. When it comes to communication, feelings are on a lower, more significant, level than words. Now ask yourself; could it be that there exists a level of communication that's even more important than feelings?
Asking questions, especially the right question, cannot be overestimated in sales. Pinpointed and effective questions drive the conversation and helps all involved to reflect on the right issues. Reflecting on and narrowing the discussion down to what really matters is the forerunner to getting a bird's eye view.
Did you ever find yourself bogged down in the thick of thin things? Are you at times unable to see the forest for the trees?
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The problem is more common than you might suspect. In my experience, everyone has blind spots. Missing the full perspective and making mistakes may not be very harmful case by case, but when leaders make mistakes it may affect a lot of good people. (BTW, we're all leaders in one way or another.) | ||||||
Blind spots will cause even the most sincere leader to make mistakes. If those mistakes are to be avoided, leaders need someone that can help them flap their wings and get a bird's eye perspective. Such a perspective can only be achieved through skillful and persistent questioning.
Self Evaluation
Decades of research has clarified a large array of types of questions that have great impact depending on how and when they are asked. Why does this matter? It matters in so many ways. Today I'd like to share one basic principle in which you can apply the importance of questions right away in your own life - on your own:
Recently I was digging dirt in our garden. The task seemed overwhelming, but I kept at it. Every so often I would take a few steps back and ask myself: "Is this turning out the way I want it to?" The sight was not encouraging at first, but step by step the entire garden became smooth just like I had it pictured in my mind.
We can do the same in every situation and scenario. "Is this turning out the way I want it to?" is a simple question that will cause us to evaluate whatever it is we do. Surprisingly enough, many people seldom take the time to stop and reflect about the progress they're making. As a result, we lose track of where we are, how we are doing and what results we are getting.
Conscious Conversation with Yourself
How can we get a bird's eye perspective? Take the time to evaluate by asking that simple question. Ask yourself before retiring to bed at night: "Is this turning out the way I want it to?". In one way or another, you'll find issues that need fixing. The question and issues will remain with you throughout your sleep and the morning will present insight provided by your subconscious mind. It never fails.
Another wonderful way to reflect is by talking to yourself while driving the car. Turn off the music and rather have a conversation with yourself about a problem you're faced with. If you're embarrassed to answer your own questions, then ask questions only without answering them out loud. Your mind will begin to search for solutions. Regardless of how you do it, the most important element is to actively seek time to be alone and think. Sometimes it helps to read an inspiring book before you ponder your current situation. A thought provoking article or poem may trigger feelings that can put you in the mode of reflecting on life and the bigger picture.
A person that does not take the time on a regular basis to ask and ponder some tough questions in private has a poor life indeed. Take the time to reflect on your challenges, what you'd like to accomplish together with others or where you'd like to be in a year or two from now. It will make your current problems seem less discouraging when you take a step back and seek a bird's eye perspective.
Is there someone that's really important to you? Do you really need to influence someone? If you really have a desparate need to, I mean, if you really need to influence another person, then I've spent the past nine years exploring HOW this is best done. Here's a quick example.
We have five children. All five are highly active individuals. When all five are in one place, they always have at least two conversations going on at the same time, sometimes more. The chatter is endless. Simply inspiring to watch and behold as a parent ;-)
Now, let's say we're driving in the car. When I bring all our five children with me I easily end up being nothing but the driver of the car. Unless I somehow get involved in the conversation, the situation by default will turn me into a chafeur, "disappearing in the crowd".
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So if I want to become more influential, what would be a smart move? Three things:
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Well, instead of bringing all the kids in the car at the same time, I can (1) strengthen the position by just inviting one of them to come along. Of course, this may not always be possible. Sometimes the whole family needs to go somewhere. But let's say I want to influence one of my daughters. When only the two of us are in the car I automatically make the switch from being the driver to becoming "daddy". The improved position now allows me to (2) build our relationship. How do we best build a relationship? For example, I can (3) improve my behavior in relation to my daughter by listening more attentatively.
What's the difference? I've applied The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success that automatically changed the scenario to one-on-one. I've found that "the one-on-one scenario" often results when we strengthen position, build relationships and improve behavior. Going one-on-one turns me into a dad, a spouse, a friend, a colleague, a leader. In fact, no matter what, going one-on-one always leverages the greatest influence!
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Influencing our surroundings is not a choice. We are influencing others whether we want to or not. However, you can choose WHAT, WHO and HOW to influence.
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If ever there was a time to be excited, for me it's NOW! Get your tickets to attend my keynote session at Ibsenhuset in Skien on Thursday the 28th of April.
Why ask questions? Why should we? We constantly hear about the value of asking questions, but why is it so important? A little insight into why may very well instantly influence your style to becoming a more questioning individual.
A master teacher understands the power of questions. Any successful speaker asks questions. An effective leader asks questions. Negotiations are all about questions. Mothers and fathers reach out to their children when asking candid questions. Conflict requires questioning. If all these statements are true, then how come? Why are questions so important?
The more training I do, do you know what I find? I discover how poorly we make use of that one critical skill that makes communication really flow. And what is that skill? It's asking questions. What would happen if we asked more questions? Here's what I see - every day; every question asked immediately improves all aspects of communication.
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What happens when we make the switch to increasing the number of questions? Here are some examples:
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Why is it so important to ask questions? What is it about asking questions that so dramatically improves communication? When should we ask questions? How should we ask questions?
Questions Trigger Thoughts
What do skilled speakers do? The best speakers ask questions all the time. Even when communicating in monologue, questions lubricate the message. Ask them, then answer them yourself. Why? Because the question that is being raised and spelled out clearly sharpens the attention of a listener. What can we learn from this? Our first conclusion is: Always ask questions, regardless of what you do!
Here's a list principles that encourages asking a lot of questions:
- The question decides the topic. If you want to set the agenda, be the first to ask a question.
- Questions give you more information and information equals power.
- Questions give you time to think.
- Questioning leverages "an open style", and people appreciate your asking for input and feedback.
- Questions encourages the other person to talk. People love to talk (...about themselves).
- Questions combine thoughts and brains, leveraging synergy (1+1 = 3 or much more).
- Questions trigger the unconscious creative brain power in both the speaker and the listener.
- Questions rule out misunderstandings. (Research indicates that summarizing and checking for understanding up to 11 times adds value to mutual understanding.)
- Questions and silence relieves you of responsibility (i.e. speaking reveals your opinion and immediately holds you accountable).
- And quite possibly most of all, asking a question is still the best way to trigger a conversation.
Indeed, and in fact, it is the question that holds the real information. How? By how something only can really be understood when the question is clearly formulated. Anyone can come up with "answers" and suggestions, but it takes a master to ask the question that reveals true understanding and insight. What do inventors do? Inventors ask questions. That's how they invent. What does science do? Science asks questions. That's how new theories appear.
Albert Einstein, among others, brought this principle to our attention when he said: "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it". Slightly paraphrased in simpler language; "a problem can never be solved at the level we were at when we created it."
Is it any wonder then that Jesus and Socrates were such fans of asking questions? Why not ask more questions?
Most of us actually believe we can change another person. I admit, the perception of actually influencing others may feel like we indeed cause them to change. Let's take a look at how influence and change are highly correlated, yet two distinct different aspects altogether.
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A person with the mistaken paradigm dominated by beliefs that communicate "I can change another individual" will manifest this belief system in many different ways - automatically. Why?
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- growing irritation (seemingly caused by the behavior of another person)
- uncontrolled anger (leading to a desire to enforce behavior change)
- undue pride in the success of others (by perceiving it as part of our own doing)
- undeserved impatience with the failures or shortcomings of others (by projecting missing or undesired results on to ourselves)
- ...and many other unfortunate side effects.
And so the list continues. In fact, most of our self defeating behaviors regarding relationships stem from this faulty belief. In short, believing that we can change or control someone makes its appearance in power struggles, rhetorics, manipulation and ultimately a lack of respect. How?
Whenever we seek to control, manipulate or push another person, we are violating the basic principle of respect. And --true respect-- only stems from a profound understanding that everyone is responsible for him or herself. Thus, respect is the only path to long term success with people.
Misbehavior Manifests Incorrect Beliefs
Every behavior pattern that does not stimulate long term success with other people discloses deep and underlying beliefs that are distorted, sometimes even perverted. In fact, the important issue at hand is this:
| "We all radiate behavior patterns from time to time that reveal incorrect beliefs related to the mistaken thinking that we can change others". | ||||||||
If you don't believe this also concerns you, you're simply unaware of it and only have a greater need to reach a higher state of conscious living. This has everything to do with our degree of influence on the people around us.
Thus, the important question is how do we adjust or replace our deepest flawed beliefs with beliefs that better reflect reality? To do this it helps to understand the difference between internal change and external influence. In closing I will therefore highlight the core of these two.
INTERNAL – Changing me
We change ourselves to influence others.
When we see things as they really are, i.e. realizing the fact that we can only change ourselves, then our behavior will automatically change to become more influential. Why? Because on the deepest level, the programs we have developed affects everything we do. When we reach a deep understanding and belief that I am free to be me, and you are free to be you, we change the program by how we see the world. Thus, our behavior will automatically improve by how it begins to run in sync with the newly acquired belief.
EXTERNAL – Influencing others
We influence others to change themselves.
Understanding others is the essence of influence. When, and this is just as important as changing ourselves, we seek to influence others the most lasting and powerful influence we can cause to take place is by helping others understand in such a way that behavior automatically changes as a result of this insight. We can only help others receive this insight when we possess it ourselves.
And with this we reach a basic conclusion. What's basic? 1) I can change me to more effectively influence others, and 2) I can influence others to more effectively change themselves.
Influence is a desirable talent. It's that one thing that would pretty much solve every one of your current problems. It's your lack of influence that's the main reason for your biggest challenges - right now. You better believe it!
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You wonder why I'm so focused on influence as the single most important topic? Well, let's think about influence for a moment?
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For a moment, just lift your vision and view your own life in a bird's eye perspective. Consider every aspect of what you are trying to accomplish, as well as what you have tried to accomplish in the past and also what you will seek to accomplish in the future. Literally speaking, every problem, every project, every single endeavor small or great – the long and meaningful list of things you do and fill your life with... Does it not all begin and end with a relationship to at least one other person? It does, doesn't it? The relationship we have with the people around us is the very making or breaking of success – in every respect. You will have to agree!
Now consider every single important person in your life – see all of them in front of you – and ask yourself: Am I successfully reaching out in such a way that we are working towards mutual goals and objectives, giving me power to influence them? To the degree that you are influential, you'll be successful. To the degree that you are not, you will fail. It really is that black and white.
You may be thinking: “I may not be supremely influential, but I do have some influence on for instance my own daughter.” Well, then you'll succeed at least in part, but in no way will you be able to help her beyond the degree of your influence on her. Or you may say, I'm not yet interacting with and influencing the right or relevant people, but that's just another way of saying the same thing. Think about it. Be honest with yourself.
Success can have a wide array of definitions, but unless it somehow involves people or at least "someone else" it is has no real meaning, does it? What matters - long term - is the modeling influence you have on another person's life and actions. To learn more about influence, learn more about Passion, Connection and Intuition. which makes up the main ingredients or energies of Energation.
Clients, just like small children and toddlers, have a crying engine that sometimes needs to run for a while before we reach the heartier matters - the stuff that really makes a difference and that defines customer needs. It's not necessarily logical, but it certainly is psychological.
Did you ever witness a child crying for a long time? And then, when you offer your comfort and help, the child is simply unable to stop crying for quite a while. Even several minutes after the crying has "officially" stopped, the child is still experiencing periodic and uncontrolled sobbing. This phenomenon is what I refer to as "the crying engine".
Crying Remains the Same
What does this have to do with influence and sales?
Grown-ups are experiencing much of the same feelings in many ways. We may not frequently let it all out in as easily a recognizable pattern as public crying, but the process and the pain is exactly the same. Effective sales people allow the client to go through that process - gently - both the growing awareness of pain moving down to the heart as well as the resolving of deep feelings of hurt and disappointment moving up and out. The concluding result is wonderful. The other person experiences great relief, which is a reward in itself, I feel! The bonus is that your odds of making a sale quadruples, if not much more.
Mind you, the old school of "problem and pain questions" is a solid and good one, but supposing that all customers need help like that is of course taking it much too far and will only lead to miscommunication in so many cases. This is one of several good reasons why of all the different sales systems I appreciate the flexible approach of "Helping Clients Succeed" by Franklin Covey so much.
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