Most of us actually believe we can change another person. I admit, the perception of actually influencing others may feel like we indeed cause them to change. Let's take a look at how influence and change are highly correlated, yet two distinct different aspects altogether.

									A person with the mistaken paradigm dominated by beliefs that communicate "I can change another individual" will manifest this belief system in many different ways - automatically. Why? Because our behavior always reflects what we deeply believe. If we could indeed change another person, that other individual would in fact be part of us. With such a paradigm we begin to identify ourselves with that person beyond what is actually the case. The (unconscious) side effects of this mistaken perception causes dysfunctional behaviors like for instance:

1. growing irritation (seemingly caused by the behavior of another person)
2. uncontrolled anger (leading to a desire to enforce behavior change)
3. undue pride in the success of others (by perceiving it as part of our own doing)
4. undeserved impatience with the failures or shortcomings of others (by projecting missing or undesired results on to ourselves)
5. ...and many other unfortunate side effects.

And so the list continues. In fact, most of our self defeating behaviors regarding relationships stem from this faulty belief. In short, believing that we can change or control someone makes its appearance in power struggles, rhetorics, manipulation and ultimately a lack of respect. How?

Whenever we seek to control, manipulate or push another person, we are violating the basic principle of respect. And --true respect-- only stems from a profound understanding that everyone is responsible for him or herself. Thus, respect is the only path to long term success with people.

Misbehavior Manifests Incorrect Beliefs

Every behavior pattern that does not stimulate long term success with other people discloses deep and underlying beliefs that are distorted, sometimes even perverted. In fact, the important issue at hand is this:

If you don't believe this also concerns you, you're simply unaware of it and only have a greater need to reach a higher state of conscious living. This has everything to do with our degree of influence on the people around us.

Thus, the important question is how do we adjust or replace our deepest flawed beliefs with beliefs that better reflect reality? To do this it helps to understand the difference between internal change and external influence. In closing I will therefore highlight the core of these two.

INTERNAL – Changing me

We change ourselves to influence others.

When we see things as they really are, i.e. realizing the fact that we can only change ourselves, then our behavior will automatically change to become more influential. Why? Because on the deepest level, the programs we have developed affects everything we do. When we reach a deep understanding and belief that I am free to be me, and you are free to be you, we change the program by how we see the world. Thus, our behavior will automatically improve by how it begins to run in sync with the newly acquired belief.

EXTERNAL – Influencing others

We influence others to change themselves.

Understanding others is the essence of influence. When, and this is just as important as changing ourselves, we seek to influence others the most lasting and powerful influence we can cause to take place is by helping others understand in such a way that behavior automatically changes as a result of this insight. We can only help others receive this insight when we possess it ourselves.

And with this we reach a basic conclusion. What's basic? 1) I can change me to more effectively influence others, and 2) I can influence others to more effectively change themselves.

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