Why ask questions? Why should we? We constantly hear about the value of asking questions, but why is it so important? A little insight into why may very well instantly influence your style to becoming a more questioning individual.
A master teacher understands the power of questions. Any successful speaker asks questions. An effective leader asks questions. Negotiations are all about questions. Mothers and fathers reach out to their children when asking candid questions. Conflict requires questioning. If all these statements are true, then how come? Why are questions so important?
The more training I do, do you know what I find? I discover how poorly we make use of that one critical skill that makes communication really flow. And what is that skill? It's asking questions. What would happen if we asked more questions? Here's what I see - every day; every question asked immediately improves all aspects of communication.
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What happens when we make the switch to increasing the number of questions? Here are some examples:
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Why is it so important to ask questions? What is it about asking questions that so dramatically improves communication? When should we ask questions? How should we ask questions?
Questions Trigger Thoughts
What do skilled speakers do? The best speakers ask questions all the time. Even when communicating in monologue, questions lubricate the message. Ask them, then answer them yourself. Why? Because the question that is being raised and spelled out clearly sharpens the attention of a listener. What can we learn from this? Our first conclusion is: Always ask questions, regardless of what you do!
Here's a list principles that encourages asking a lot of questions:
- The question decides the topic. If you want to set the agenda, be the first to ask a question.
- Questions give you more information and information equals power.
- Questions give you time to think.
- Questioning leverages "an open style", and people appreciate your asking for input and feedback.
- Questions encourages the other person to talk. People love to talk (...about themselves).
- Questions combine thoughts and brains, leveraging synergy (1+1 = 3 or much more).
- Questions trigger the unconscious creative brain power in both the speaker and the listener.
- Questions rule out misunderstandings. (Research indicates that summarizing and checking for understanding up to 11 times adds value to mutual understanding.)
- Questions and silence relieves you of responsibility (i.e. speaking reveals your opinion and immediately holds you accountable).
- And quite possibly most of all, asking a question is still the best way to trigger a conversation.
Indeed, and in fact, it is the question that holds the real information. How? By how something only can really be understood when the question is clearly formulated. Anyone can come up with "answers" and suggestions, but it takes a master to ask the question that reveals true understanding and insight. What do inventors do? Inventors ask questions. That's how they invent. What does science do? Science asks questions. That's how new theories appear.
Albert Einstein, among others, brought this principle to our attention when he said: "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it". Slightly paraphrased in simpler language; "a problem can never be solved at the level we were at when we created it."
Is it any wonder then that Jesus and Socrates were such fans of asking questions? Why not ask more questions?
Networking is a lifestyle, nothing more, nothing less. Your life and style reveals your motivations (the WHY's and WHAT's) as well as WHO you are. To get insight about yourself, consider HOW you behave when you're around other people.
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One of three main differences between successful and unsuccessful people is the way in which they build relationships. If I were to describe the difference with as few words as possible; "Successful people always build relationships, unsuccessful people only build relationships when they see the need to."
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Relationships Are Like Flowers
The difference in attitude is scary. The difference in results even more so. To this day I am surprised at how some people just never make this basic discovery; the staggering and fatal consequences of stepping another person on his or her toes. A friend of mine said it so well: "A relationship is like a tender plant. We try to build relationships, but every so often we walk around in the bed of flowers hoping that the flowers will still somehow blossom." A relationship needs constant attention, and one mistake only will forever hurt and remain unless there is honest and sincere forgiveness.
My conclusion? Don't just network when you need work or more business. Make networking a lifestyle, and you'll soon find that even your attitude will improve as a result of your working to improve your behavior.
Most of us actually believe we can change another person. I admit, the perception of actually influencing others may feel like we indeed cause them to change. Let's take a look at how influence and change are highly correlated, yet two distinct different aspects altogether.
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A person with the mistaken paradigm dominated by beliefs that communicate "I can change another individual" will manifest this belief system in many different ways - automatically. Why?
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- growing irritation (seemingly caused by the behavior of another person)
- uncontrolled anger (leading to a desire to enforce behavior change)
- undue pride in the success of others (by perceiving it as part of our own doing)
- undeserved impatience with the failures or shortcomings of others (by projecting missing or undesired results on to ourselves)
- ...and many other unfortunate side effects.
And so the list continues. In fact, most of our self defeating behaviors regarding relationships stem from this faulty belief. In short, believing that we can change or control someone makes its appearance in power struggles, rhetorics, manipulation and ultimately a lack of respect. How?
Whenever we seek to control, manipulate or push another person, we are violating the basic principle of respect. And --true respect-- only stems from a profound understanding that everyone is responsible for him or herself. Thus, respect is the only path to long term success with people.
Misbehavior Manifests Incorrect Beliefs
Every behavior pattern that does not stimulate long term success with other people discloses deep and underlying beliefs that are distorted, sometimes even perverted. In fact, the important issue at hand is this:
| "We all radiate behavior patterns from time to time that reveal incorrect beliefs related to the mistaken thinking that we can change others". | ||||||||
If you don't believe this also concerns you, you're simply unaware of it and only have a greater need to reach a higher state of conscious living. This has everything to do with our degree of influence on the people around us.
Thus, the important question is how do we adjust or replace our deepest flawed beliefs with beliefs that better reflect reality? To do this it helps to understand the difference between internal change and external influence. In closing I will therefore highlight the core of these two.
INTERNAL – Changing me
We change ourselves to influence others.
When we see things as they really are, i.e. realizing the fact that we can only change ourselves, then our behavior will automatically change to become more influential. Why? Because on the deepest level, the programs we have developed affects everything we do. When we reach a deep understanding and belief that I am free to be me, and you are free to be you, we change the program by how we see the world. Thus, our behavior will automatically improve by how it begins to run in sync with the newly acquired belief.
EXTERNAL – Influencing others
We influence others to change themselves.
Understanding others is the essence of influence. When, and this is just as important as changing ourselves, we seek to influence others the most lasting and powerful influence we can cause to take place is by helping others understand in such a way that behavior automatically changes as a result of this insight. We can only help others receive this insight when we possess it ourselves.
And with this we reach a basic conclusion. What's basic? 1) I can change me to more effectively influence others, and 2) I can influence others to more effectively change themselves.
Are you able to quickly calculate the number of relationships there are in a group of people that all know each other? It's easy. But WHY would such a number, or the question itself, be of interest to you at all..?
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Relationships are one-on-one. The equation of human relationships is (n² - n)/2. So if you're in a group of 9 people that all know each other, there are (9² - 9)/2 = 36 relationships. Imagine the explosive nature of this equation as the number of people in the group grows. This principle is part of the secret behind the power of a human network. The more people you know, the easier you gain access to whoever or whatever it is you need.
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However, let's consider an even more important aspect of this. The flip side. What if you were that person with unlimited resources? Two questions: 1) Would you not like to be such an individual? ...and 2) do you think people would come to you for help?
It is my experience that if we make building a network our lifestyle, people will increasingly come to us for help and (and this is the secret) present us with opportunities on the way. People presenting you with problems that need solutions are usually bringing you hidden opportunities.
HOW do you build a network? By constantly engaging yourself in three key habits:
- Be the best at what you do (PASSION)
- Seek out and build new friends (CONNECTION)
- Give more than you receive (INTUITION)
...but you have to make it a lifestyle. It's only by practicing Passion, Connection and Intuition daily that you become genuine.
Influence is a desirable talent. It's that one thing that would pretty much solve every one of your current problems. It's your lack of influence that's the main reason for your biggest challenges - right now. You better believe it!
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You wonder why I'm so focused on influence as the single most important topic? Well, let's think about influence for a moment?
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For a moment, just lift your vision and view your own life in a bird's eye perspective. Consider every aspect of what you are trying to accomplish, as well as what you have tried to accomplish in the past and also what you will seek to accomplish in the future. Literally speaking, every problem, every project, every single endeavor small or great – the long and meaningful list of things you do and fill your life with... Does it not all begin and end with a relationship to at least one other person? It does, doesn't it? The relationship we have with the people around us is the very making or breaking of success – in every respect. You will have to agree!
Now consider every single important person in your life – see all of them in front of you – and ask yourself: Am I successfully reaching out in such a way that we are working towards mutual goals and objectives, giving me power to influence them? To the degree that you are influential, you'll be successful. To the degree that you are not, you will fail. It really is that black and white.
You may be thinking: “I may not be supremely influential, but I do have some influence on for instance my own daughter.” Well, then you'll succeed at least in part, but in no way will you be able to help her beyond the degree of your influence on her. Or you may say, I'm not yet interacting with and influencing the right or relevant people, but that's just another way of saying the same thing. Think about it. Be honest with yourself.
Success can have a wide array of definitions, but unless it somehow involves people or at least "someone else" it is has no real meaning, does it? What matters - long term - is the modeling influence you have on another person's life and actions. To learn more about influence, learn more about Passion, Connection and Intuition. which makes up the main ingredients or energies of Energation.
The count-down has begun. On Thursday the 30th of Sep 3E is being published.
"The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success" has the following message on the back of its cover:
Today I watched an excellent clip produced by RSAnimate based on a talk by Daniel Pink. It describes some of the essence behind The WHY Questions: How people are driven by autonomy, mastery and purpose, rather than money when the task at hand is complicated, when it requires conceptual and creative thinking.
I recommend watching this 10 minute video. There's not a dull moment - promise!
Of all self defeating behaviors, the worst stain must be the illusion of change - the fact that most of us remain in old and ingrown patterns and either don't know it or don't believe we do. Real change is slow, rarely found and a tough, honest and soul searching process when it occurs.
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Many years ago I studied the work of Robert E. Hardy on Self Defeating Behaviors (SDBs). Simply put, we tend to establish and maintain patterns, even those patterns that are self destructive. To begin with, that particular pattern or behavior served to help or protect us (which is why we established it), but when circumstances change and people mature, and because our approach is not principle based, it now hurts us, bars our way and keeps us from reaching new goals and higher levels of achievement. In other words, we hang on to patterns of behavior even though they don't treat us well. | ||||
Here's the bad news: We're all deeply entrenched in many self defeating behaviors. Most of them are hard to recognize. Many of them are difficult to admit to. Some are obvious and we hate to face them for what they really are. The good news is: We can eliminate SDBs, if we're willing to face them and deal with them.
Can you think of a self defeating behavior you're suffering from? How would you like to get rid of it?
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Well, there certainly is no quick and easy answer to such a big and important question. However, for the sake of briefly introducing you to what matters most and how you can make it happen for real, here's what you should be looking into:
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These three; Passion, Connection and Intuition represent a proven process for change, improvement and greater influence in the lives of the people around us, just to name a few benefits. You want this. You may not know it yet. However, sooner or later you'll find that success in any area inevitably will bring you to visit each of these three areas. Why not apply simple wisdom and humility by learning more, right now?
"If you tell me WHAT to do, I may do it for you. If you help me understand WHY I should do it, I'll want to do it and get it done, much better". The WHY makes all the difference. Why then, if WHY is so important, do leaders tend to forget its importance?
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Every time I do training, coaching or any kind of work to improve a company's performance I see the same crucial principle at work: Unless individuals see and understand the WHY, no lasting improvement ever takes place. However, when WHY is clear, dramatic change can occur, sometimes even instantly and without resistance.
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| A repeated flaw in leadership is forgetting to focus on individual perspective. When leaders try to make a significant difference, they mostly make their appeal to the masses. Thus, they forget that lasting change of habits and patterns is highly personal. We don't change groups of people as much as we change individual behavior. Help one person see the picture and you're well on your way to actually improve an entire organization. |
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I witness both types of leaders every day and it's fairly easy to spot the difference between them. When leaders are personal and stick to individual follow up they are able to move large corporations. When they don't, they fail and fail miserably.
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Make a Big DifferenceSo if you want to make a big difference, at least three energies are indispensable to getting results. Each energy has a principle attached that guides our efforts in becoming a change agent among people: |
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(1) Ask WHY / WHAT
Action: Ignite Passion by going one-on-one => inner conviction.
Passion is the energy that makes a person unstoppable. It lights up when WHY and WHAT becomes clear. Ask yourself the simple but tough questions: "Why am I doing what I do?" and "What am I about?"
(2) Ask WHO
Action: Make the Connection by executing plans together => shared conviction.
Connection is the energy that bonds us and causes us to succeed together. It brings a spark to every meaningful relationship when it becomes clear WHO matters most to us. Ask yourself the simple but tough questions: "Who is most important to me?" or "Who will give their all to the same mission as I have?".
(3) Ask HOW
Action: Stimulate Intuition by allowing individual freedom => discovered conviction.
Intuition is the energy that brings out the best in us. It shows the way in much the same way as our conscience. Individual answers will come to each of us as we deeply ask ourselves "How should I do this?" or "How can I best apply my talents and my style to solve these challenges?".
The slogan of any sales training should be "More business with better clients". More business is not necessarily good business. You've probably heard it before.
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When sales people desperately want to succeed they tend to welcome any client into their sales funnel. Consequently, the pipeline is filled with an excess of bad business.
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When I was a young boy, I asked my father why he kept cutting down the different trees in our garden. In my mind, a big tree was a good tree. My father explained to me how a trimmed tree always lives longer and remains much more productive or fruitful. The same goes for sales and business!
Sales training is about getting back to basic. It's about focus. If training doesn't help you find which clients you want and HOW to do it, then training will only make you more busy doing what doesn't lead to profitable customers. Believe me, more business with poor clients, is not want you want.
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