I'm a big fan of Robert Cialdini. The work and research he has provided over the years on the subject of influence is simply powerful. If you haven't read his book(s) and articles, I encourage you to do so.

In particular I appreciate his healthy approach and how he points out the vast number of manipulative techniques that are more or less consciously applied "out there". It was Dale Carnegie, who in his book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" said: "A person persuaded against his will is of the same opinion still." If you combine this basic principle with the body of knowledge we have today on manipulation, it's obvious that complex and large account sales especially needs to be CLEAN. Manipulation always backfires!

What's interesting is this; most account and sales managers today know that manipulation only hurts us in the long run. However, if our deepest belief patterns and habits render us inclined to exercise control or dominion over others, it will - in business also - surface in what we do and how we say things.

The scary thing is, to a certain extent, we're all at times tempted to use force or some kind of coercion to obtain our goals and objectives. You're saying: Really??! How? Let me give you just a few examples, and then maybe you're able to spot misbehavior in these or similar examples you yourself are able to produce - from your most personal life and circumstances:

• What's my behavior like when driving a car and being late for an important meeting?
• When my children won't listen, how do I respond to their rebellious behavior?
• How do I behave and how do I phrase my sentences when in a middle of an argument with my spouse?
• How do I treat my subordinates or those I lead? How do I phrase my "orders"?
• What feedback would my colleagues give me if they read this blog post?
• How do I react when someone expresses frustration about someone I too have a strong dislike towards?
• How do I handle someone that pushes me for honesty about something I'd rather keep to myself?

Once we begin to see our own misbehavior and how we're suffering from manipulation in almost every respect of our lives, it naturally becomes of interest to find out what manipulation really is. Also, how can I become a master of clean influence? That, I will share more about in my next post ;-)

We ought to have a serious problem with anyone that promotes a product or service they wouldn't buy and use themselves.

Nothing new about that, but that's not all. We should also be concerned about anyone that doesn't first sell to their best friends and family, and equally important, whether or not they have indeed succeeded in selling to someone close and personal. Why? Because it proves whether or not the individual really believes in the value of their offering. When someone with an in-depth knowledge of a product or service is willing to risk valuable friendships and relationships this becomes a solid indication of product value.

Here's an example to illustrate what I mean:

A number of years ago, when I was working for X, I asked myself if I would sell X to my parents, brothers and sisters or friends. The answer came out very clearly: Definitely not! By nature, this reply would have made me quit right away. I don't think anyone should promote anything they do not wholeheartedly support and passionately believe in. Then why did I remain with the company? The reason was obvious. If my parents, my siblings or friends would have been professional buyers with specific high-performance information needs, I would have encouraged them to buy X products and services - at the time.

However, when I had been in X for approximately two years I made a significant discovery that made me change my mind after all. Like I said previously, the belief in a product or service is not only tied to whether it's "good", but also if the price reflects the value of it. Of course, value is relative, and price should actually fluctuate according to the dollar's worth of what the solution provides... but let me briefly share what happened: I was selling an X licensed database to my brother-in-law. At the point when we were about to sign the contract I found myself giving him a smarter and cheaper license than what I normally would do. Why would I do such a thing, I thought? The answer gave me a shock I'll never forget: Because I didn't believe the solution was worth that much money. Being in conflict with my own integrity I realized I had to either negotiate better prices for my accounts and/or improve the quality and value of each solution.

I could go on and tell you how I soon after switched both company and role, but the main principle should be clear: "Only sell quality and value you yourself would buy. Never ask for a signature on a contract you yourself wouldn't sign".

When instructing top sales people on how to sell more, I always begin by introducing them to the Operational dialog. This type of interaction involves everything from product development and change management to internal training and internal and external marketing. Sales people sometimes ask why this is important to "selling extremely well - it's not directly sales related". My reply is that it is! Bottom line: We need to bring ourselves in the situation where we offer our clients something we are passionate about. If we don't, it's time to improve what we have or quit doing it. And, yes, sometimes it's a process. That process is the Operational dialog.

Before wrapping up, I'd like to just add one little piece of information. A few years later I came to learn about the values behind Open Source, open architecture and open standards. This too dramatically filtered out the type of companies I'm willing to help and support. Today I'm part of a team that really appreciates the Operational dialog. It's a true adventure and a wonderful experience to be working with passion, not just on my own, but with others. That's energy for ya'.

The hardest, most demanding "customer" to please and to satisfy has got to be those with whom we have the closest relationship, don't you think? Family; a brother, a sister, a spouse, a child or even a best friend. Only at this level can we really tell what kind of quality (sales) people we are. It's how we treat the individuals inside "our most private circles" that reveals who we truly are - and it can hurt at times!

Why is this? How come? There probably are a number of reasons why very close relationships are a hard sell.

One reason could be how our most private life reveals "vulnerability and weakness". Everyone has a bit of pride - deep inside - that somehow seeks to protect our total defeat or feeling of complete surrender. When our most tender faculties are exposed we feel a powerful urge to defend ourselves. When someone comes close enough we feel attacked and are often inclined to fight back with irrational behavior based on feelings and emotions. Ironically, this in turn only confirms our weakness and increases frustration.

Another reason why selling to family or friends can be hard is how sooner or later everyone - even the most perceived professional - is inconsistent in behavior patterns. When what we say is not in line with what we do, we automatically lose respect in the eyes of those around us. Close relationships experience this on a regular basis. This lack of respect causes words to lose power and influence, because words are only a function of feelings.

Still, more important than "why" is "what". It's true, it can be harder to please or sell to family or friends, depending on our true long term character. What's more important is what can we do to make the switch? How can we make a "sale" to the people with whom we have our most meaningful relationships?

Well, the secret is of course this: The toughest sale is potentially the BEST sale!

If we could, we should seek to make every contact and call a personal and meaningful relationship. Some people will respond to this by saying: "I make a clear distinction between professional and personal or private life". WRONG!

WHAT??! What does this mean?

Let me suggest what it could mean, and then you tell me what you think such a statement might imply: When all is said and done, basically what this boils down to is... "I cannot afford to open up to business contacts like I do with family and friends, because if I do they'll find I'm not only full of mistakes and lose respect for me, but they'll also discover how insincere I am by how I'm unwilling to work on my character, mistakes and weaknesses to make the needed changes".

Let me share one of my own deep flaws to illustrate:

I used to blame my parents for regularly being late when promising to pick me up as a young boy. The other day my wife called me and asked me whether I could pick up one of our oldest children after art class. I said I would, and then she added a warning: "Vidar, I was asked whether someone else than dad could do it, because he's always late". Ah! That stung so bad and so deep in my chest. So unfair, I thought. I've made EVERY possible effort to ALWAYS be on time. It stayed with me the rest of the day. That bitter feeling would not go. Then, an hour before I was to fulfill my important dead-on-time-appointment, I suddenly made a great discovery... I knew I had been a few minutes late the last two pick-ups. Even though with good reason, of course my behavior had been generalized and not forgotten. All the other times, when I had been on time, these times were all taken for granted. Of course that was unfair, but here's what I discovered: I had done the same thing with my own parents. Suddenly I was able to remember all the "forgotten times" when mum and dad had picked me up ON TIME. My heart sank and instantly changed from being judgmental to thankful for the wonderful patient parents I have - who were on time. Bitterness was gone.

How do you think I approached my child that evening? 'nough said - it was a great experience and a perfect "sell". However, more important than everything else - as a father (read: e.g. vendor) - I am more committed than EVER to deliver according to contract with regards to all my children.

I was speaking with my daughter the other day about how our thoughts automatically appear in our face. When we think good thoughts a pleasant and happy appearance naturally surfaces. If we think bad thoughts, they too are mirrored in our countenance. You may think it's "childish doctrine", but it's simple and a plain fact.

This basic principle holds true and carries weight and value in so many settings - one of which is communication. When we are sincere, it shows in our face. When we have passion, it reveals itself. When we get emotional, is shines through. What a great human trait this is. We can read each other in many ways, but most of all in our facial expressions, and above all by looking each other in the eye. It's as if the eyes are the soul at public display. Ouff! Great and dreadful, all at once. Scary in one way, because it exposes us as to who we really are. Exciting in that we can "read" and learn the true character of others.

I love the exercise of just observing other people during conversations - not too intensely, because that easily creates awkward feelings - but being very aware of the way we reveal ourselves through that most unique window - our eyes - to the outside world.

Consistent behavior over time will reveal our thoughts, our words, our action, our habits - our lifestyle. Everything is recorded and shows over time. Today, when you're interacting with others, try to perceive what maybe slipped your observations in the past. Look people in the eye. You'll see who they really are, because the eyes have it, and the eyes are what makes all the difference.

Do we have trouble looking people straight in the eye?