Have you ever felt misunderstood? Do you know why you were misunderstood? Was it because of what you said? Or could it be that the misunderstanding(s) occured due to feelings rather than words?
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Are words more than just sound moderated by our lips? If anything, what should we say, and how could we say it?
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There is nothing so hurtful as being totally ignored or misunderstood, is there? And equally devastating, being critized or scolded for something we said or did with the best of intentions. Let me share a quick story to make just that point:
| Thirty-five years ago I was a small boy running around in our garden. Then my friend next door and I made an interesting discovery. My dad had put in some new windows in the basement. We quickly found that if we threw a big enough rock at the windows it made a great sound and took on an interesting new shape. Little did I know that we did something wrong. I just thought it was a lot of fun.
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Lesson # 1: Our Internal Conversation Is What Changes Us
What a tragedy it was to me when I discovered what I had done. I had caused my dad pain, and I deeply wanted to make up for it. Now tell me, what would have happened had my dad responded with anger and a lack of respect for his four year old son? Would it have had the same impact on me? Not a chance. Why not? I believe our conscience and feelings are far more effective than words or even physical punishment.
Lesson # 2: Feelings Enhance Memory
I'm pretty sure this lesson would have been quickly forgotten had it not been for the sincere approach of my own father. But because he made me feel the consequences of my actions this experience is still with me today. His words had real meaning to me. Not only do these feelings serve as a reminder of what happened, but today (and forever) also as a constant guide to how I should pay the same kind of respect to my own children.
Lesson # 3: Mutual Respect Changes "Short Term Bad" to "Long Term Good"
What a powerful and long lasting example he set for me that particular day. Even more importantly, he turned a hopeless situation into a memorable teaching moment.
Lesson # 4: Communication Is Felt More Than Heard
Feelings outweigh words in every shape and form. If we do not feel favorable to another person, nothing that person says will ever have an effect on us. When it comes to communication, feelings are on a lower, more significant, level than words. Now ask yourself; could it be that there exists a level of communication that's even more important than feelings?
Why ask questions? Why should we? We constantly hear about the value of asking questions, but why is it so important? A little insight into why may very well instantly influence your style to becoming a more questioning individual.
A master teacher understands the power of questions. Any successful speaker asks questions. An effective leader asks questions. Negotiations are all about questions. Mothers and fathers reach out to their children when asking candid questions. Conflict requires questioning. If all these statements are true, then how come? Why are questions so important?
The more training I do, do you know what I find? I discover how poorly we make use of that one critical skill that makes communication really flow. And what is that skill? It's asking questions. What would happen if we asked more questions? Here's what I see - every day; every question asked immediately improves all aspects of communication.
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What happens when we make the switch to increasing the number of questions? Here are some examples:
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Why is it so important to ask questions? What is it about asking questions that so dramatically improves communication? When should we ask questions? How should we ask questions?
Questions Trigger Thoughts
What do skilled speakers do? The best speakers ask questions all the time. Even when communicating in monologue, questions lubricate the message. Ask them, then answer them yourself. Why? Because the question that is being raised and spelled out clearly sharpens the attention of a listener. What can we learn from this? Our first conclusion is: Always ask questions, regardless of what you do!
Here's a list principles that encourages asking a lot of questions:
- The question decides the topic. If you want to set the agenda, be the first to ask a question.
- Questions give you more information and information equals power.
- Questions give you time to think.
- Questioning leverages "an open style", and people appreciate your asking for input and feedback.
- Questions encourages the other person to talk. People love to talk (...about themselves).
- Questions combine thoughts and brains, leveraging synergy (1+1 = 3 or much more).
- Questions trigger the unconscious creative brain power in both the speaker and the listener.
- Questions rule out misunderstandings. (Research indicates that summarizing and checking for understanding up to 11 times adds value to mutual understanding.)
- Questions and silence relieves you of responsibility (i.e. speaking reveals your opinion and immediately holds you accountable).
- And quite possibly most of all, asking a question is still the best way to trigger a conversation.
Indeed, and in fact, it is the question that holds the real information. How? By how something only can really be understood when the question is clearly formulated. Anyone can come up with "answers" and suggestions, but it takes a master to ask the question that reveals true understanding and insight. What do inventors do? Inventors ask questions. That's how they invent. What does science do? Science asks questions. That's how new theories appear.
Albert Einstein, among others, brought this principle to our attention when he said: "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it". Slightly paraphrased in simpler language; "a problem can never be solved at the level we were at when we created it."
Is it any wonder then that Jesus and Socrates were such fans of asking questions? Why not ask more questions?
Networking is a lifestyle, nothing more, nothing less. Your life and style reveals your motivations (the WHY's and WHAT's) as well as WHO you are. To get insight about yourself, consider HOW you behave when you're around other people.
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One of three main differences between successful and unsuccessful people is the way in which they build relationships. If I were to describe the difference with as few words as possible; "Successful people always build relationships, unsuccessful people only build relationships when they see the need to."
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Relationships Are Like Flowers
The difference in attitude is scary. The difference in results even more so. To this day I am surprised at how some people just never make this basic discovery; the staggering and fatal consequences of stepping another person on his or her toes. A friend of mine said it so well: "A relationship is like a tender plant. We try to build relationships, but every so often we walk around in the bed of flowers hoping that the flowers will still somehow blossom." A relationship needs constant attention, and one mistake only will forever hurt and remain unless there is honest and sincere forgiveness.
My conclusion? Don't just network when you need work or more business. Make networking a lifestyle, and you'll soon find that even your attitude will improve as a result of your working to improve your behavior.
Most of us actually believe we can change another person. I admit, the perception of actually influencing others may feel like we indeed cause them to change. Let's take a look at how influence and change are highly correlated, yet two distinct different aspects altogether.
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A person with the mistaken paradigm dominated by beliefs that communicate "I can change another individual" will manifest this belief system in many different ways - automatically. Why?
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- growing irritation (seemingly caused by the behavior of another person)
- uncontrolled anger (leading to a desire to enforce behavior change)
- undue pride in the success of others (by perceiving it as part of our own doing)
- undeserved impatience with the failures or shortcomings of others (by projecting missing or undesired results on to ourselves)
- ...and many other unfortunate side effects.
And so the list continues. In fact, most of our self defeating behaviors regarding relationships stem from this faulty belief. In short, believing that we can change or control someone makes its appearance in power struggles, rhetorics, manipulation and ultimately a lack of respect. How?
Whenever we seek to control, manipulate or push another person, we are violating the basic principle of respect. And --true respect-- only stems from a profound understanding that everyone is responsible for him or herself. Thus, respect is the only path to long term success with people.
Misbehavior Manifests Incorrect Beliefs
Every behavior pattern that does not stimulate long term success with other people discloses deep and underlying beliefs that are distorted, sometimes even perverted. In fact, the important issue at hand is this:
| "We all radiate behavior patterns from time to time that reveal incorrect beliefs related to the mistaken thinking that we can change others". | ||||||||
If you don't believe this also concerns you, you're simply unaware of it and only have a greater need to reach a higher state of conscious living. This has everything to do with our degree of influence on the people around us.
Thus, the important question is how do we adjust or replace our deepest flawed beliefs with beliefs that better reflect reality? To do this it helps to understand the difference between internal change and external influence. In closing I will therefore highlight the core of these two.
INTERNAL – Changing me
We change ourselves to influence others.
When we see things as they really are, i.e. realizing the fact that we can only change ourselves, then our behavior will automatically change to become more influential. Why? Because on the deepest level, the programs we have developed affects everything we do. When we reach a deep understanding and belief that I am free to be me, and you are free to be you, we change the program by how we see the world. Thus, our behavior will automatically improve by how it begins to run in sync with the newly acquired belief.
EXTERNAL – Influencing others
We influence others to change themselves.
Understanding others is the essence of influence. When, and this is just as important as changing ourselves, we seek to influence others the most lasting and powerful influence we can cause to take place is by helping others understand in such a way that behavior automatically changes as a result of this insight. We can only help others receive this insight when we possess it ourselves.
And with this we reach a basic conclusion. What's basic? 1) I can change me to more effectively influence others, and 2) I can influence others to more effectively change themselves.
Networking has taken on a new dimension the past few years. That's why it's time to ask a couple of serious questions. WHY should you nurture and build the people in your network? WHAT is important to the people in your network? WHO is important to you? HOW can you tell whether or not a person in your network is worth your trust and effort?
Only five years ago it was a lot easier to spot a true networker. These days, everybody is somehow into it. With the exploding social media everyone is connecting with friends, family and business associates. This however, does not mean that we're all networking networkers. Far from it!
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A "networker" is someone who is genuinely interested in building value for the people he or she interacts with. The most basic trait of a skilled networker is someone that completely abdicates self interest by constantly asking: "What can I do for this particular individual - right now".
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Before Facebook, LinkedIn and all other networking solutions I kept my network of contacts in a spreadsheet with thousands of key people. For obvious reasons I no longer maintain contact information and current status updates manually like this. (And if you do, you're wasting time. Today's paradigm has moved towards "everyone updates their own information".)
WHY
So, why network? There are many reasons. The most obvious one is "because networking is a lifestyle, and it's the right thing to do". Right thing? Yes, people who care will find people who care. People who don't care will soon find themselves alone. To me that sounds like an irrefutable law to prove its validity and eternal principle. But there's another reason why sincere networking is so powerful: "Because it's smart". With a big network, you'll find that almost any task becomes much easier. There's always someone who knows someone that has what you need.
WHAT
The tricky part in networking is what. The reason being, offering people what they need is being flexible to take a time-out and help people as the need arises. That, as you know, is hard, simply because everybody has a hectic schedule. In my experience, the people who want to help are better at this than those who do, but don't want to. "Intent counts more than technique (Quote: Mahan Khalsa)."
Even more important, I'd say, is looking for opportunities. A good networker will respond to needs, reactively. On the other hand, an excellent networker proactively seeks to create opportunities to create value for others. He or she asks effective questions to uncover needs, connects people that overlap in purpose and effort, and maybe above all - follows up to make sure it went well. So many people create value, but when left without follow up, they miss reciprocity, which almost always appears in some form or another when you're seeking to finish what you started.
WHO
Who's important? That's easy. Everyone is. I'm serious! When interacting with humans you simply don't separate between important and unimportant. You may have a pressing need to speak with someone, but that doesn't make that single person more important or noteworthy than anyone else.
I often encounter people who obviously are too much occupied with title, rank and/or position. Over the years I've learned an important lesson. Hear it from me: First of all, people are of equal value and if you don't really believe it, you'll act accordingly and sooner or later it'll catch up with you. Secondly, but that's only nice to remember, you never know who's who in a few years from now. One quick example:
I once spent several hours helping a young man who was working for a small insignificant company. They had no budget and nothing to offer, it seemed. Because I was responsible for our companies' policies and because I did care, he received all the help he needed. One year later he contacted me again, this time as the CTO of a major corporation. As a result of my previous investment in time and effort we now partnered up and did BIG business.
HOW
How do we know if someone is worth our trust and effort? First, like I said, everyone's worth an effort. What about trust? Do you really want to know who you can trust? The answer is obvious. Whoever does and lives by the above mentioned characteristics:
- People who care because they care - without any thought of reward (WHY)
- People who offer to help when it's not convenient (WHAT)
- People who treat all people alike (WHO)
Be a networker, but make sure to rise above the crowd. It used to be like that. It still is!
Clients, just like small children and toddlers, have a crying engine that sometimes needs to run for a while before we reach the heartier matters - the stuff that really makes a difference and that defines customer needs. It's not necessarily logical, but it certainly is psychological.
Did you ever witness a child crying for a long time? And then, when you offer your comfort and help, the child is simply unable to stop crying for quite a while. Even several minutes after the crying has "officially" stopped, the child is still experiencing periodic and uncontrolled sobbing. This phenomenon is what I refer to as "the crying engine".
Crying Remains the Same
What does this have to do with influence and sales?
Grown-ups are experiencing much of the same feelings in many ways. We may not frequently let it all out in as easily a recognizable pattern as public crying, but the process and the pain is exactly the same. Effective sales people allow the client to go through that process - gently - both the growing awareness of pain moving down to the heart as well as the resolving of deep feelings of hurt and disappointment moving up and out. The concluding result is wonderful. The other person experiences great relief, which is a reward in itself, I feel! The bonus is that your odds of making a sale quadruples, if not much more.
Mind you, the old school of "problem and pain questions" is a solid and good one, but supposing that all customers need help like that is of course taking it much too far and will only lead to miscommunication in so many cases. This is one of several good reasons why of all the different sales systems I appreciate the flexible approach of "Helping Clients Succeed" by Franklin Covey so much.
Just because résumés and track records are being used to filter out and find the best sales people doesn't mean they're worth something. In fact, past success only means you did well in the past. It doesn't guarantee you'll be successful in the future.
Your past success can make future success pretty hard in more than one way...
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For instance, successful sales people tend to be promoted. Most of them stay sharp, but some stop exercising that sales muscle, become arrogant and self centered and lose the edge they used to have on life.
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The real deal
Why are you in sales? Is it for the money?
Sure, I earn my living that way, and it's good. But you know what. The reason I love selling is because it puts me right where I want to be; in the hottest furnace of constant communication training. If there's one area I'd like to master then it's the ability to reach someone else with a message. And by "reach" I mean totally embrace, both ways, i.e. I embrace you and you embrace me.
If you're asking me, I believe this is the toughest most noble of all tasks in any person's life: To constantly increase the talent of bringing someone over - not to "my way of thinking" - but to a higher shared level.
To me, that's what selling is about, and also how past success (i.e. your track record) can destroy what you have. When you think you're good, you're at risc, because pride may get in your way and stop you from delivering results now and in the future.
Let's consider an every-day example of how energy makes all the difference while for instance raising a child or taking care of your family. Lillian and I have five children. As a family we've frequently discussed in family counsel how we'd like our mornings to be. But even though everyone puts forth an effort, with five kids ages four to twelve, there's bound to be some challenges - every single morning. How does energy apply in such a situation? And what does this have to do with sales or influence?
If I'm frustrated, irritated, impatient, tired, late or even just gradually growing angry, any one of these emotions will automatically transmit to the people around us - immediately. I may try to hide it, but really it's impossible to keep that energy inside. It all leaks out through the cracks. And we know it all too well, don't we?!
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But, you see, the trouble isn't really knowing and understanding. Remember, what's common sense isn't necessarily common practice out there... In fact, it's mostly exactly the opposite; what we know we should be doing, we often don't do. That's how it requires constant and conscious effort to stay focused on positive energy. Now, let's look at why it makes such a difference to do so. | |
I should be the first to admit, I don't always succeed. Reflect for a moment on what might be the elements of a typical morning for any of us...
(1) Getting up
PATH TO NEGATIVE ENERGY: When the alarm goes off, our partner gets up, but we ourselves might be tempted to just slumber a tiny bit longer. Already at this point negative feelings may start building up inside. Children jump into our bed, someone turns on the bright light or opens the curtains, we get reminders of how much there's to do today, and even when we do get up, both the toilet and shower are occupied.
PATH TO POSITIVE ENERGY: The night before we've retired early. Together with our partner we wake up before everyone else, well rested. We make our bed together and turn on pleasent music in the living room. The volume is so low you can hardly hear the music. Family members wake up with a hug and kind words. Whenever anyone does anything to trigger bad feelings we remind ourselves: "I love this person!" and we ask "I wonder how he or she feels right now / how can I be of help?"
(2) Getting breakfast
PATH TO NEGATIVE ENERGY: Everyone's hungry and looks out for their own breakfast. When someone enters the kitchen another leaves. It's usually best to be among the first to eat, because sometimes we run out of milk or even bread. The kitchen is messy from yesterday when we didn't take the time to clean it up. Sometimes there's unkind words spoken as the rush and disorganized meal causes frustration or even accidents. The youngest kids are at times alone in the kitchen, when everyone else is going back and forth trying to get ready... not smart!
PATH TO POSITIVE ENERGY: The night before the table has been set by one of the kids. Breakfast starts at seven sharp. If someone's late, nobody calls out loud for the missing person. Rather, it's an opportunity to give that someone another a hug and a compliment. Breakfast is kind of slow. Some of us are just quiet. There's time to think, to wake up and time to speak and ask questions as we check up on some of the most important upcoming events of the day. When fruit and vitamins have been swallowed we're ready for another day.
(3) Getting out the door
PATH TO NEGATIVE ENERGY: While everyone is more or less desparately scrambling together their stuff, you regularly discover that a shoe or a glove is missing. Someone's yelling for more toilet paper while others are brushing their teeth, too fast and in a hurry. Parents repeat the threatening warning everyone knows so well: "You're gonna be late for school - again!"
PATH TO POSITIVE ENERGY: "Good luck with the test today" becomes everybody's que to getting ready. The table is cleared by all in less than a minute. Someone's telling a joke as hugs and kisses are passed and the youngest kids stand waving at the door. It's tradition!
Your feelings about the others
The difference lies in how you feel about the people around you. The above mentioned path to positive energy is of course never that perfect! It rarely is. However, there are proactive elements in it that makes it much easier to keep a sincere and heartfelt smile on your face - throughout the remainder of the day.
Getting up, getting breakfast and getting out the door are all activities that repeat themselves every day. Even if you're single and alone, there's always a number of "good reasons" to quickly start tapping into negative energy right from the very start. If you do, however, you'll only generate more negativity. Why not think it through, discuss the details and decide what you want, together?
People who take control of how the day starts tend to sincerely and honestly think more positively and highly of the people around them. As a result they also find themselves surrounded by people that want to and indeed do return those positive feelings.
If energy is to work for you and not against you here's what you may want to consider: Retire early in the evening and start the next day with a conscious effort to stay tuned in on the positive, especially every time you're tempted not to.
So what's this energy thing in communication? Well, it's everything. How can you communicate and not relate what you're doing to energy? Communication is energy. But there's more to energy in communication than you might think. Let's take a quick look at energy again, and maybe we'll catch a glimpse of it.
There are different energy levels in communication. You may have felt it. It's real. It matters. It's something every successful individual intuitively knows and effectively applies. Most of all, it's quantifiable, specific and something you can repeat - over and over again - that is, if you know how to.
Since the term "energy" may sound a bit blurry or hard to "practice in real life", why don't we bring some structure to it. Just for argument's sake, let's say there are three levels. The first level would be ME, myself. It's when I begin to resonate with a particular kind of message. The second level is US, you and me. It's when we begin to resonate with each other. The third level is IT, something out there. This would be when we begin to resonate with the environment, the higher and invisible forces we're surrounded by.
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(The third level doesn't need to be any more mystical than e.g. two individuals having a long distance conversation by the use of a cell phone. Are you able to explain the force or channel through which they're interacting? Unless you've studied it in school, you're probably not. But there's no immediate need to understand or explain how a cell phone works, only the fact that it does). | |||||||||||||||||||
That third level
Most people can easily relate to the first two energy levels (i.e. ME and US). But to some, the third energy level (i.e. IT) sounds too mystical. That's OK, if you feel it that way. Just remember though, whatever the message you behave will be understood differently on each level (yes, "behave" is the appropriate word for it). You see, each level gives more information, because behavior takes on different and more meaning the higher up you communicate. When all the others around you are perceiving the world on "the third level", you'll be missing out on quite a bit if you're still only communicating on "the second level". Why don't you just go in faith for once and test yourself. You may discover there's more to communication than you originally thought. Quite frankly, what have you got to lose?
Even though level one (ME) and level two (US) are understood, most people seldom experience them for real in a professional setting. How sad this is! What's more, because there's no resonating ME, WE don't resonate either (i.e. US). Why? Because there's a natural principle based sequence to this. We can't resonate unless there's first individual resonance. And that's also why so few people understand the third level, which in turn is dependent on both ME and US. You get it?
Let's illustrate with an example to make sure I didn't lose you: Now that there's such a stir around Michael Jackson's passing away, why don't we consider him for a moment?
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First, do you think Michael Jackson ever went on stage without reaching some kind of "resonating ME"? Do you think his best concerts were without a burning desire to share his best self? Of course not. Did he like the songs he was singing? Indeed, we may suppose he did. Second, do you think his resonating with the crowds was significant to their musical experience or his performance on stage? I'd say, probably... Third, do you think his wildest fans might refer to something bigger than just music and dance while experiencing him first hand during a concert? Does their ecstatic behavior make sense to us? Maybe not. Does it make sense to them? In some inexplicable way, most likely. If in doubt, take a look at Michael Jackson for yourself. | |||||||||
It begins with the individual, spreads to those around and then becomes something intangible, but real. At this point, I'll quickly point out that effective communication seldom is a "performance", but rather a shared experience. It can be quietly done without any extravagance or even technique. The absolute minimum that it takes is sincerity (outbound energy) and sensitivity (inbound energy).
Practical and doable
To help understand each level, a long time ago, I put together three scenarios visualising what essentially takes place every time there's a shift in energy. The three scenarios explain each level more precisely. If you haven't heard them explained during a training session or read them I suggest you do so now, before reading the conclusion of this article.
What's the big deal? Well, my message and claim is simple: YOU CAN, it you want to, communicate in a much more exciting way than you're currently doing. It's possible to trigger enormous amounts of energy on three levels. First of all inside yourself. Secondly, in others. And third, and most of all, in unison by the use of power in your environment. And to what purpose? To get a much deeper commitment in yourself and others. If you're in selling, knowing about this is simply a must.
So how do we apply it? Here's how to put it into action. Always stay focused on three areas (one for each level respectively):
Position + Trust + Behavior = Message
Each of these is very concrete and measurable. We dive deeply into each of these areas in my book The 3 Energies Behind Sales Success, but if you'd like some other examples (and they're merely examples) of books written on each topic, you may consider the one's listed below. Note! These authors don't necessarily explain how to unleash the energies, but they tap into the do's and don'ts:
- Level 1: Position - Strategic Selling, Miller Heiman
- Level 2: Trust - The Speed of Trust, Stephen M.R. Covey
- Level 3: Behavior - SPIN® Selling, Neil Rackham
Conclusion
To trigger energy - the stuff that adds real power - and makes communication become really powerful, you'll have to work on answering the WHAT (position), WHO (trust) and HOW (behavior) questions. This is the secret to energy in your communication. There's no shortcut, but hard work. However, once the energy's there, it sure feels like a shortcut.
Last month I did a quick webcast on This is Selling. If you look closely you'll find that a complete summary on selling is grouped into three areas. If you focus on all three, you'll discover that your skills begin to work as they should.
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Regardless of what topic or expertise within sales you are looking into, it will always be one of the following three:
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Focusing only on technique is less effective
Context, feelings and technique are basic principles of communication. Context is WHAT you do to create the best possible setting and position. Feelings is WHO you talk with and the emotions you are filled with. Technique is HOW you say it and when.
These three areas are numbered because context outweighs feelings, and feelings in turn are more dominant than technique. Without context and feelings in place technique suffers. People often want to challenge the order of this, but without exception they fail.
Sales technique is not even secondary
Let's be very clear, especially because it really is this simple: Technique helps, but fails when feelings stand in the way. Also, feelings are powerful, but ultimately must give way to context and the bigger picture. If you want to influence others, even influence influential people, first work on context - your position, secondly work with feelings - your relationship with others, and thirdly practice technique - say it right and at the right time.
Remember this, unfortunately most sales training is aimed at technique only. Yes, technique indeed is poor out there, and technique is also mostly weak on a stand-alone basis. The deciding factor that gives technique real power is when context and feelings are taken care of first.
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